How to Play Dead by Jacqueline Ward

Author:Jacqueline Ward
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atlantic Books
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Tanya

Diary Entry: Wednesday

I am off work again. But Al has gone to work at the normal time. Last night he came home at the usual time too. Despite the fact that I could hardly move, he expected me to make dinner and we ate it in silence.

I could feel his eyes on me. At one time I would have thought he was concerned, even sorry. He used to cry and apologise and beg for forgiveness. He would claim that he was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing. I was caught up in it and I still am most of the time.

But I have this clarity. I don’t know if it’s the diary or another episode of my madness. Am I really going crazy? I know what will happen. Once, years ago, we had what I thought then was an argument and I just walked out of the house. He’d told me I couldn’t watch TV any more. That it was making me into a slut. I was young and stupid and I was striding down the road.

When I heard him behind me I even smiled a little. He didn’t want me to go. He loved me. He wanted me back. He caught my arm and he looked at me. His face was gentle and he held me tight. I held him back.

‘Come back,’ he murmured in to my ear. Everyone argues, I reasoned with myself in that moment. He does love me. He held out his hand and we walked back to the house. Once inside, he kissed me and hugged me and I thought that we were going upstairs to make love. But he guided me to the spare room — my room now. We went in and he shut the door behind him.

That was the first time. He pinned me against the wall by my throat and hissed in my ear, ‘Think you’re clever? Eh?’

I struggled, of course, but he’s strong. I managed to kick his shin and he was hopping in the spot, still holding me.

‘You fucking bitch. You’ll pay for that.’

He kicked me back. I felt the contact then a sharp pain. I screamed. ‘You’ve broken my leg.’

He laughed.

‘Try that again and I’ll break both your legs. You’re going nowhere.’

I screamed more. I was screaming, ‘Help me.’ But he had his hand over my mouth and was unbuckling his belt. No one came to help me. No one could hear me.

My leg wasn’t broken, but there was a huge black bruise that took weeks to fade. Before it did there were more incidents, more arguing. The more I annoyed him, the more he kicked me and punched me. Then he would plead for forgiveness. He would cry and hug me and tell me that we would have a child, a son. That we would be married.

So now I am risking everything. It’s that or live like this for ever. I sent that letter. I have no way of knowing if anything will happen over that, but I don’t regret it.

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