Dynamite Road by Andrew Klavan

Author:Andrew Klavan
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Tom Doherty Associates
Published: 2003-07-18T16:00:00+00:00

Thirty-Three

As for Kathleen, she went slowly back to her house. She climbed slowly up the stairs to her bedroom. She lay down on her bed, on her back, and stared up at the ceiling. She stayed like that a long time. Some of that time she was crying. The light in the ceiling blurred and sparkled through her tears.

She was angry—angry with herself. And she felt like a fool, which was worse. She felt exposed in her foolishness, naked in front of the neighborhood, naked beyond recall, as if she could put on every piece of clothing she had and she would still be naked, naked and ashamed in front of everyone she met. In her shame, she was angry at the man she knew as Frank Kennedy also. She wished he were dead. She wished he would be hit by a truck and killed and no one would ever know about him and what had happened between them. But at the same time she was wishing that, she loved him too. She wished he was dead and she wished he would suddenly knock on her door and tell her he had made a mistake, he’d been wrong, he was humbly sorry, he wanted her back. It had been so good with him, in his bed, in his arms. She had felt she was beautiful because of the way he wanted her. When she lay with him afterwards, she had felt that her life was going to be different from now on because of him. Because of being with him, she could see clearly how bad everything was with Chris. She had seen it before but she hadn’t seen it so clearly. Because Frank—the man she knew as Frank—was gentle and sure with her, she could see better how awful it was that Chris hit her and drank and wanted to prove himself by being with a criminal like Hirschorn. Resting in Frank’s arms, she could see those things, but also she could feel that they were going to be different. Now though—now she knew they were not going to be different. She tried to believe she could change them herself, without Frank. She tried to believe she could leave Chris and start a new life on her own. But every time she tried to think it through, it just seemed impossible somehow and she knew she would be back with Chris again just like before and everything would be the same, day after day, forever.

She began to cry very hard now, the tears spilling down the sides of her face, dampening her pillow. She took a Kleenex from the box beside her bed. She held it to her nose. She thought about the man she knew as Frank, about the times she had had with him and she cried even harder and she thought, Damn him. God damn him, because of the way he had been with her just now. Standing there in his room and just staring at her, clueless and uncaring.

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