Dumb White Husbands vs. Zombies by Benjamin Wallace

Author:Benjamin Wallace
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: zombie survival, zombies humor, zombies fiction, surviving zombies, zombies apocalypse, zombie adventure
Publisher: Benjamin Wallace
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Five

Chris saw the creature on top of John, “John, are you ... oh my God.”

“It’s hahaokay. He doesn’t hahahave ahany teeth.”

“Do you want us to leave you alone?” Erik asked.

“Fuhaha, fuhaha, youhahaha.”

“This is really disturbing.”

“Hahahah, get it off of me, you assholes!” John pushed the creature up. Its half jaw flapped and its swollen tongue muttered. A moan grew in its chest and John could see the tongue get out of its way. The creature roared.

Four silver prongs appeared in the creature’s mouth and began to twist. Brittle bone cracked as the silver tines twisted through what was left of the body’s tissue. The moan choked to a stop and the thing that wasn’t Bill stopped moving.

Erik swung the body aside and pulled the green metal pole from the back of the creature’s head while Chris helped John to his feet.

John looked at the bodies in his foyer. “What the hell is that thing, Erik?”

“A Garden Badger.”

John shook his head. “Couldn’t even spring for the brand name, eh?”

“What?”

Chris dropped his bat to the ground. “John, forget that. Help us get these bodies out of here.”

John pointed to each body as he spewed questions. “What is going on? What are you doing here? Wait, tell me what they’re doing here first. And what they are. Tell me that.”

Erik grabbed one of the corpses and dragged it out the door. “They’re zombies, John.”

“What?”

Chris grabbed the thing that wasn’t Bill by the ankles. “Zombies, stupid. Now do you want the bodies out of your house or not?”

“Of course I want them out.” John hesitated to touch the bodies. He made several moves to grab one but pulled back each time.

“C’mon, you big wuss,” Chris said. “You were just making out with one and now you’re afraid to touch it?”

John shot him a dirty look, took a deep breath and grabbed one of the bodies under the arms. He dragged it into the front yard.

There were more moans. Distant, but still he spun around looking for the source.

Erik and Chris waved him back into the house. “Quick,” Chris said, “before more show up.”

“More? There’s more of these things?”

“Get in here.” Erik pulled him into the house, closed the door quietly and locked the deadbolt.

Chris double checked the lock. “John, I can’t believe you don’t know. They’re ...”

John held up his hands. “No. Stop. You’re going to say zombies again and sound even more stupid. So just don’t say it.”

“But, they are zombies,” Erik said.

“Do you see, Chris? Right there. That’s how stupid you were going to sound.”

“He’s right, John. It’s hard to believe but the dead have risen and all that.”

“I’m going back to the couch. I’m pretty sure I’m going to find myself there, sleeping comfortably.”

“John.” Chris’s voice was devoid of sarcasm. That wasn’t normal. “Do you know where my family is?”

This stopped John on his way to the living room. “No.”

Chris began to pace.

“John, do you know where your pants are?” Erik asked.

“Shut up, Erik.”

“Where’re Jenny and the kids?” Chris asked.

It took John a moment to remember the note.

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