Don't Ask Me To Believe by Clare Nonhebel

Author:Clare Nonhebel
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: faith, spiritual, christian, god, jesus, atheism, agnosticism, doubt, truth, cynicism

CHAPTER 15

‘How can I form a relationship with someone I see as a tyrant?’ was the question that occupied me when I returned from the school retreat at the age of 15. I accepted what my sister had said, that running away was not a solution. And I accepted what the priest had said, that Jesus might have something to say to me. And what I had heard did seem to come from him, partly because it struck me as the truth and partly because it wasn’t what I wanted to hear: ‘Try living with him.’

I looked at what I knew of this great-uncle I lived with so reluctantly. He had done something good; he had taken into his home a family with no means of support. But then, no one else would housekeep for him, on the terms he offered. He had promised, in return for all three of us being his unpaid servants, an ultimate reward: my mother would inherit the house that belonged to him.

On the other hand, the house he lived in had just been exchanged for a very much smaller version and every time my mother had a row with him he went to the solicitor next morning and changed his will! So there was no point in putting much faith in this promised inheritance. And in the meantime, he showed no concern when we had no money for shoes or for outings and whatever he gave with one hand he seemed to take back with the other.

He could be generous, amusing and sympathetic. His talents for art and gardening bore witness to a reverence for beauty. But he could also be abusive, contemptuous and violent – and I never knew which mood he would be in. How could I live with him?

If God told me to do it, it must be possible and it must be worth doing. God had not chosen to rescue me from this tyrant; he had told me to live with him. And because God is love, that must mean that I had to find a way to love him – mustn’t it? But if God is love, I reasoned, he can’t be on the side of someone who’s cruel to me – can he? So I wasn’t being asked to love the cruelty in the man but I was being asked to love the person who could be cruel as well as kind – even if he chose to be cruel far more often than he chose to be kind. But how to love someone who rejected all approaches?

I began to think about what kind of man Uncle was – apart from the way he related to me. After all, I’d only known him since I was four. He had existed a long time before that. My mother spoke fondly of how good he had been to her and her family when she was a child. And she had lived with him for a year when she was a young adult, not as his housekeeper but as a family member.

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