Bittersweet Always by Ella Fields

Author:Ella Fields [Fields, Ella]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: novel
Publisher: Ella Fields
Published: 2018-05-01T16:00:00+00:00

Parked cars and families filled the streets. Birds chattered up high in the trees. Toby’s hand in mine made the doubts crawling through my head duck and hide among the relief that having him here with me made me feel.

I didn’t know if he’d still be up for it. I didn’t know if I would be either, but a text message from my dad stating the time and place with way too many smiling emojis had me asking Toby.

Who immediately said, “Of course.”

I had no idea what sent me to his place yesterday. I felt it when he got up off the floor outside the door and walked away. It wasn’t that I felt guilty for standing my ground. I didn’t care what anyone’s issues were; no one had the right to hurt you the way he did me at that party.

After he’d left and I’d continued pacing my room with Daisy watching my every move, I decided to follow.

I was glad I did. Even if what I saw when I got to his place scared me out of my mind. The door was wide open, and his groans could be heard from the small foyer outside the living room. Quinn looked pained at the bottom of the stairs, unsure what to do. “He’s never done this before,” he whispered, expression stricken.

“I’ve got him,” I told him. And the look of relief that passed over his face stayed etched in my mind as I climbed the stairs and stood in his doorway, horrified.

He was writhing in the sheets, face down, as though he was in physical pain. I continued to stare until he started saying things. “Daddy,” scraped free of his throat as though the word was tearing at his vocal cords and bounced off the walls of his room, hitting me in the chest.

When he started mumbling, “Shut up, shut up,” over and over, the tears flooded my eyes, and my heart cried out, desperate for something to do but not sure what I could do.

It wasn’t until the mumbled words turned into growled shouts that I came unglued, and my fear for him drowned out the fear I had over the sight of him.

I knew, pressing that cloth to his head as his blue eyes stared up at me, pleading, desperate, and defeated, that I was stuck. He might’ve been trapped inside his own head in a way that ruined him continuously, but I couldn’t stop loving him if I tried.

Not because I felt bad, and not because my heart hurt in the worst way possible for him.

But because he was Toby.

It was like I’d finally seen it all, all of him, and it didn’t change a thing.

Love wasn’t glorious. It was messy, unfair, and a burden at times.

At times. Because the good outweighed the bad, and I knew his heart. And his knew mine on a level that transcended anything rational.

It wasn’t a matter of putting up with it or enduring it. It was a matter of loving someone, and knowing he was a good man even when he felt like the worst.

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