And Then There Was Her by Tagan Shepard

Author:Tagan Shepard [Shepard, Tagan]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781642471069
Publisher: Bella Books
Published: 2020-03-11T23:00:00+00:00

Chapter Twenty-two

Madison didn’t get out of bed the next day. Tears seeped so deeply into her pillow that she threw it to the ground but when she reached for the other, she couldn’t stop thinking of it as Kacey’s. She didn’t slip it under her head but wrapped both arms and both legs around it, crushing it close as she sobbed.

The tears dried with the inevitable memories of Kacey in the barrel room. Her wail of anguish mutated into a roar of fury and she flung the pillow across the room. Twisting the sheets between her hands, she screamed until her throat ached as much as her heart. For the rest of the day she vacillated between anger and sadness.

She slept at some point, and in the morning a swollen bladder and aching back forced her to stand. The sight in the mirror sent her back to bed, this time burying herself beneath sheets and blankets to keep from searching for her phone. All day she fought the urge to call Kacey, to beg her to come back and apologize for whatever inadequacy had sent her into another woman’s arms. On the third day she hated herself for even considering a reconciliation. On the fourth day she made herself shower.

The shower made her hungry but food made her ill. The moment her bagel touched her hollow stomach, Madison heard the waitress’s moans and threw up everything. She sat on her bedroom floor and flipped through the photos on her phone that documented her life with Kacey. Most of them were grainy or out of focus, taken in the dim light of bars. She’d thought often of printing some of them. Making an album to commemorate their relationship as it grew. The idea now made her laugh until she cried.

Someone knocked on her door during the fifth day, but they didn’t come in. Her phone battery had died and she’d decided not to plug it in, lest she cave in and send a text or an email in her emotionally damaged state. She didn’t remember anything else from the fifth day.

It wasn’t until the sixth day that Madison woke up angry and stayed that way. When she pictured Kacey cheating, she didn’t wonder what she’d done wrong, she wondered why she’d been so shocked. The thought took her to the bathroom to brush her teeth. As she turned on the shower she remembered the terrible things Kacey had said to her that night. This time the words didn’t sting but reminded her of other terrible things Kacey had said to her. The way she had belittled her art and dismissed her feelings. The way Madison’s needs always came second to Kacey’s.

While her coffee brewed, Madison spent less time wondering what life would look like without Kacey and more time wondering why she had wasted so many years twisting her life into Kacey’s. She walked into her studio, stewing over the way Kacey had regarded giving her this space a waste. Only watery sunlight showed through the windows today.

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