Afterward by Jennifer Mathieu

Author:Jennifer Mathieu
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781626722392
Publisher: Roaring Brook Press

ETHAN—233 DAYS AFTERWARD

It’s raining, so even though I want to sit on the porch with Dr. Greenberg, we’re in his office. Groovy is there with us, this time curling up on top of my feet.

“He’s your own personal foot warmer,” Dr. Greenberg says, grinning.

I nod and try to laugh. But I feel the weight of Caroline and everything else on my shoulders and it’s so heavy. I know talking with Dr. Greenberg can help, but sometimes it’s just so tiring to try.

“How’s your week been going?” he asks.

I shrug. Silence. I don’t know what there is to say. Dr. Greenberg doesn’t say anything.

On Wednesday I’d squeezed my hands together to work up the courage to tell Dr. Greenberg what had happened with Caroline. I told him about drinking with Caroline and about her taking off her shirt. About Caroline kissing me and about me kissing her back. About my brain being invaded with the worst kinds of memories. Of pain and fear and hands groping for me. Hurting me.

I expected Dr. Greenberg to be totally weirded out or shocked. But he’d just nodded, like he was listening really hard.

Suddenly, I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and when I asked Dr. Greenberg if we could stop, he said of course.

After that session on Wednesday, I came home and did my homework. Caroline had texted me once, right after, saying she was sorry and a jerk, but I had just ignored it. Because I didn’t know what to say. And I was mad at her.

But also, I missed her.

I didn’t play the drums on Wednesday night. I just sat with my parents and watched television with them. I wasn’t even paying attention to what we were watching. When my mom and dad laughed a little, I laughed, too.

On Thursday morning she texted me again. A long text where she said she was sorry again and she understood if I never wanted to see her again but if I didn’t she would be sad.

Reading that text made my stomach hurt. So I told her that I needed her to leave me alone for a little while.

On Thursday, I didn’t play the drums either.

And here it is, Friday, and I’m back with Dr. Greenberg. Pretty much everything sucks.

I’m just staring out the window when Dr. Greenberg asks, “Have you spoken to Caroline since our last session?”

He’s so direct I answer before I realize I’m doing it. “No,” I say, “but she texted me that she feels bad about everything, so I texted her back that I need some time and to please leave me alone.”

Dr. Greenberg’s big bushy beard cracks a small smile. “I think that’s good,” he says. “You’re making those healthy boundaries.”

I think about sitting in a circle of fruits and vegetables again. I could really stand to never hear that phrase “healthy boundaries” again, to be honest.

“You don’t agree?” Dr. Greenberg asks. I guess I must be frowning.

I don’t want to be a jerk to Dr. Greenberg. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.

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