A View From a Broad by Bette Midler

Author:Bette Midler [Midler, Bette]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Actress, Biography & Autobiography, Entertainment & Performing Arts, Movie Star, Nonfiction, Performing Arts, Retail
ISBN: 9781476773551
Google: O0FXAgAAQBAJ
Amazon: 1476773556
Barnesnoble: 1476773556
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Published: 2014-04-01T04:00:00+00:00

Now I could go out and face those thundering, non-English-speaking Swedes. Let them walk out on me! Let them not understand! I had my friends! My family! I needed nothing more!

“Come, Miss Frank,” I bravely cried, flinging my split ends over my shoulder, “cinch me in! And make it tight! I’m going to go out there and turn that ice rink into a wading pool! . . . If I only knew a little more Swedish . . .”

• THE JUTEBORY SCANDINAVIUM •

Good Evening Ladies and Germs and welcome to another breathless evening of Tit and Wit! I stand before you nipples to the wind, ready to please you in every way you hoped I might and some you hoped I might not. . . . Am I talking too fast? Am I talking too slow? . . . In honor of my first trip to the North Countries, I come to you tonight mean as Scrooge and twice as horny, full of stories, songs and little pieces of exotic information you might not have known had you not bought a ticket to see this demented demiblonde. Ain’t that right, girls? How many of you think I’m still talking too fast? . . . How many vote for too slow? . . . How many of you think I should just shut up and go home? . . . Where was I? Oh, the girls. Look at those girls. The new lot. Each and every one of them a former Miss Matjes Herring. New girls, but the same old drag. You know me, honey, I am the Queen of Recycling! We didn’t have auditions to find these three —we had fittings . . . but I tell you, I am as proud as a peahen over these three yentas. Notice I did not say peacock. My consciousness has been raised. But I suggest you take notice of it right away, as there will be less and less evidence of it as the evening wears on. . . . Am I talking all right now? . . . Is everything okay? . . .

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