Young Adults by Daniel Pinkwater

Author:Daniel Pinkwater [Pinkwater, Daniel]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2014-04-13T07:00:00+00:00

IV

We just want the facts, ma'am.

—Sgt. Friday

That night the Dharma Ducks met for the first time to practice the noble meditation of Zen.

We met at the very home of our esteemed leader, the Honorable Venustiano Carranza (President of Mexico). This was a rare honor for the Wild Zen Dada Ducks, because the unenlightened parents of El Presidente had long since made it known that we were not particularly welcome in their house. As avant-garde artists, we were accustomed to this kind of treatment. We did not blame the Honorable Venustiano Carranza for the retrograde attitude of his parents.

On this particular night the parents of the Honorable had gone to a meeting of an organization to which they belonged, the Anti-Communist White Americans League. This was a social organization engaging in good fellowship and harmless fun. With the neanderthal parents of our leader out of the house, the Dharma Ducks were able to meet for serious Zen study.

The Honorable Venustiano Carranza (President of Mexico) turned on the video recorder, taping the two rerun episodes of Dragnet which were broadcast back-to-back every night opposite the evening news (this was a service he performed for his parents once a week while they attended their meeting), and as a gesture of affirmation of technology, which we had all learned to love as Dadaists, he set his Apple computer to playing chess against itself, a process which took hours, since the machine never made a mistake.

So, with a machine watching television, and another playing with itself, the Dharma Ducks were relieved of having to carry on these two time-consuming activities, and were free to enter into meditation.

Using pillows from El Presidente's bed, bunched-up raincoats, and whatever else came to hand, the Zen Dada Ducks made meditation seats. We then settled down on the floor of the bedroom of the Honorable Venustiano Carranza (President of Mexico) and attempted to enter into deep meditation.

"How do we know if this is working?" Captain Colossal asked after a few minutes.

"I don't know," El Presidente said. "Just keep at it."

"I feel something," Igor said.

"What? What do you feel?" I asked.

"It's . . . it's like . . . leg cramps," said Igor.

"Look, everybody be quiet for ten minutes, okay?" the Indiana Zephyr said.

After about three minutes Igor asked, "How do we know when ten minutes is up?"

Then the Dharma Ducks watched one of the Dragnet reruns and made gray eggs in the microwave oven. Then the parents of the Honorable Venustiano Carranza (President of Mexico) came home and told us that we were homosexual devil worshippers, and that God was going to kill us.

It was a pleasant evening, and all of the Dharma Ducks felt that we'd gotten off to a pretty good start as Zens.

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