WARNING! Fairy Tales by Robert Thier

Author:Robert Thier [Thier, Robert]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Pronoun
Published: 2016-12-01T06:00:00+00:00

And the moral of the story is: always drink plenty of water, it’s good for you!

Or: be as nasty to old people as you possibly can.

Or maybe: Hold your right hand at right angles above the other, also stretched out. Then move your right hand to the right and down abruptly.[4]

Wicked Weddings

Once upon a time, there lived a wicked woman. You could tell she was wicked from her crooked nose with a big wart on top. However, she had absolutely no talent for witchcraft, which somewhat impaired her wickedness. She could lure handsome princes into dark forests—but no matter how much she waved her self-made wand about, they stubbornly refused to be turned into frogs. She could catch children, kill, cook, and eat them—but, for some reason, the magic paste she made from their bones never gave her the ability to fly, as she discovered to her great disappointment when she jumped off the great cliff at Pirate Cove.

“Death and damnation!” Pulling seaweed from her hair, the wicked woman marched back onto land at the nearest beach, her boots squelching. “I did it exactly as it said on the witch’s recipe! I’m suing that witch for fraud!”

Thus, the wicked woman remained a very unhappy wicked woman, far from reaching self-actualization as the villain she dreamed of being. However, things did not get really bad until she met the Prince.

We’re not talking about any of the princes she tried to turn into frogs. Oh no. Those were just mediocre princelings. This is the Prince, with a capital ‘P.’ The kind that goes around sneaking into sleeping princesses’ rooms and forcing shoes on the feet of innocent, unsuspecting girls.

The Prince was just newly arrived in town and had called all the women of the town together to have a good look at their left feet when the wicked woman saw him for the first time. It was a magical moment. She was standing with a lot of other women in the middle of the town square when, suddenly, the royal carriage rolled up, and there exited the most handsome man she had ever seen in her life, followed by a pack of lackeys and bootlickers.

“Up with your skirts!” the Prince commanded. “All of you!”

How incredibly romantic!

Well, not really, but he was the Prince, after all.

The women raised their skirts, proudly displaying their feet. The wicked woman followed suit, quickly slipping off her black crackows. She watched avidly as the Prince went from woman to woman, trying to squeeze the shoe he had brought on the foot of every single female. The wicked woman knew that it wouldn’t fit any of the others. She knew because, in her heart, she knew that the Prince belonged to her. It was destiny! He would slip the shoe onto her foot, smile at her, gather her up in his arms, and carry her off to the royal bedchamber, where he would make passionate, wicked…

Here, the thoughts of the wicked woman digressed somewhat from the main plot of our tale.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.