The Handbook for Bad Days by Eveline Helmink

Author:Eveline Helmink [Helmink, Eveline]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Tiller Press
Published: 2021-02-23T00:00:00+00:00

The Five Stages of Grief for Bad Days

When you’re mourning a loss, whether big or small, sooner or later someone will point you to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief. But grief is not a step-by-step plan; it’s more of a liquid whole. It can feel as though you’re inside a pinball machine with these five phases, bouncing back and forth between them. Still, knowing and recognizing the five stages can offer helpful guidance.

1. Anger

This is your “What the fuck!” response. Why do I have to go through this? What is life doing to me? This is the stage when you want to smash things, want to hit someone, when you might be looking for a scapegoat. Unreasonableness is your best friend at this stage, perhaps together with mild aggression. These are not welcome emotions; they run counter to self-control and decency, which we value highly in our culture. But anger is an emotion from your basic toolkit, and it can easily be aimed at something. Anger is like the element of fire: You can make it flare up high, but it’s best to do it in a somewhat controlled way; otherwise, your anger may cause irreparable damage. Pick an endurance sport, get in the boxing ring, or find some other outlet. I always find my car an excellent place to curse at the top of my lungs.

2. Bargaining

This is the stage in which you want to negotiate the circumstances. You’re not giving up yet. This isn’t game over. There’s an emerging energy that spurs you into action. You want to push boundaries, set yourself goals, all in a brave attempt to take fate back into your own hands. People who are grieving can make big decisions based on this emotion; they can go through major lifestyle changes, such as quitting their job, changing their diet, or starting a new sport. Or they can make resolutions to, for example, “never drink again” or “always say yes.” It’s an “if, then…” negotiation. You are trying to regain your security with the same force with which it was taken from you.

3. Denial

No, our relationship isn’t over at all; we’re only giving each other some space. Or: Tomorrow everything will be back to normal. It’s listed as the third stage, but denial is often the first impulse after a loss. It’s actually a very sweet mechanism our brain uses to try to protect us from a painful truth that is perhaps larger than we are able to grasp. When, often unconsciously, you refuse to face the truth, you can continue to carry on for a little while—on autopilot, if need be. Survival comes first. Children do this when they’re confronted with news they can’t immediately process: They blink their eyes a couple of times and keep on playing. Later that evening, they’ll suddenly burst into tears. Sometimes reality doesn’t hit you all at once.

4. Depression

And then comes the realization that it actually is true. And that nothing more can be done: no screaming, no fighting, no denial.

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