So You Might Be a Vampire by Rodney V. Smith

Author:Rodney V. Smith
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: dark humor, fantasy contemporary, vampire action adventure, sarcastic humor

***

My mom was ecstatic to see us both and swept us into the house, remarking at me with my crutches and asking what I had done to myself.

We had arrived in the late dusk, and the light was vanishing from the sky, so I had long since taken off my mask and other protective gear. Putting in the contact lenses had been a bit of a challenge, but I'd finally managed to get one in and then the other, no thanks to Claude. Putting in contact lenses while driving is an activity I recommend to everyone. Please, you must try it for yourself. It is the most fun you can have in any car without actually poking your eye out. First you have to get the case open and then chase around the lens in the solution for a while since your driver is by this point either being clueless or just a complete dick. Once you mange to get the lens on your finger, I recommend watching the driver very, very carefully as he will be watching you out of the corner of his eyes, and every time your finger hovers near your eyeball, he'll either be braking or accelerating. So if you don't want to lose your eyeball, wait for a moment that he is otherwise occupied and not intent on causing you bodily harm, and then pop that little lens onto your eyeball. Adjust carefully and once it is secure and not about to fall out, get the other lens. Repeat the procedure if you dare.

I spent about fifteen minutes trying to put in the second lens before Claude got distracted by a cop car in the rearview mirror.

“Why are you so nervous? The car isn't stolen is it?”

“Well, it's more borrowed, but they shouldn't notice unless they return early and not a chance of that happening since they left for Japan this morning.”

Great. My best friend was pretending to be Ferris Bueller.

The cops drove past us, and we made it to my mom's house without getting arrested. I must say that was the best my day had been all day.

Mom bustled me and Claude into the kitchen, pausing only once to remark on Claude's expensive taste in cars and look at how well he must be doing. All because of a Lexus. I could have stolen a Lexus, and she would have just asked me to take it back before the cops got here. I was the corruptor as far as Mom was concerned, and she was mostly right. It's just that Claude happened to be the felon (though he was unconvicted), but she never called him on it.

“Oh Claude, I saw you on TV a few months ago,” Mom said as she closed the door behind us. I grinned, finally vindicated. Busted!

Claude punched me and Mom continued.

“I knew it was you the instant I turned on CNN and saw you driving that car.”

“Ah, you know how the cops are and those reporters. Did you see where that officer swung at me at the end there? I had bruises for days.

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