My Family and Other Endangered Species by Ellen Close

Author:Ellen Close [Close, Ellen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781770915213
Publisher: Playwrights Canada Press
Published: 2015-05-23T04:00:00+00:00

ACT TWO

SCENE TWENTY

Still in the bedroom.

BIRD

No way! You mean we did all this for nothing? I got in trouble with Mrs. Wardman and barked like a dog for nothing? Why didn’t you know all that already? You know everything else! Phin, you know I count on you to know this stuff because I don’t know it!

PHIN 2

Bird, shhhh! You’re going to make my mom come up here, and that’s the last thing we need!

BIRD

Actually, the last thing we need is to have an effing frog in a lunch bag!

PHIN 2

Well, take him back then. We can’t send him to Australia, so go put him back in his aquarium.

BIRD

What? Take him back after all this?

PHIN 2

Do you have any better ideas?

BIRD

But why do I have to do it? I got the phone! Why don’t you go do it?

PHIN 2

And tell my mom, “Bye, Mom, I have to go return Cuddles to his aquarium because the man in Australia says I can’t send him there”?

BIRD relents.

Carry him carefully.

BIRD

All right, but cross your fingers that I don’t get caught doing any of this.

Time shift. PHIN lies down.

PHIN 1

(to audience) I read somewhere that since atoms are 99.9 percent empty space, if all the space were sucked out of the atoms in your body, you’d shrink to the size of a grain of salt, even though you’d be the same weight. I feel like I’m becoming a seventy-pound grain of salt and am sinking, sinking right through my mattress.

MOM

I know you’re disappointed about Dad so I’m going to overlook the way you talked to me earlier . . . It would still be my honour, sir, if you would be my date tonight.

PHIN 1

No way.

MOM leaves.

Eventually, my body seemed to go back to its regular size and shape and the pounding in my head stopped. I figure I can fool my mother into thinking that nothing is wrong with me by the time she comes home. But there is. Something. Very. Wrong.

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