Lord of the Ralphs by John McNally

Author:John McNally
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781938126321
Publisher: Engine Books
Published: 2015-09-26T16:00:00+00:00

The next day, instead of going to Mrs. Waterman’s class, I was taken to a small office in the wing of the school where the older kids’ classes were held. There, I met a fat man in a dark suit. He had a thick gray-and-black beard and eyebrows that curled out from his head as if they were trying to escape the body from which they grew. He wheezed when he breathed.

“Hello, Hank!” My name came out high and pinched at the end, like a man stricken by an unexpected and sharp pain. I imagined someone hiding under his desk, punching him hard in the gut. “My name’s Dr. Stump. Like a tree.” When I didn’t so much as blink, he wheezed, “A tree stump.”

I didn’t know what he was talking about and wanted to cry, but I held back. “Tree stump,” I repeated.

“Good!” he yelled. “Good! Good!” Squinting, he put the tips of his fingers together and peered over them. He said, “I’m not the kind of doctor you go to when you have a cold, Hank. No siree. I’m the kind of doctor you see when, well, when you’ve got too much on your mind and need to talk.” He pointed to his head. “When your noggin’s all filled up and you need to let something out of it.”

“Oh,” I said.

“Can we talk about your friends?” he said. “Raymond? Is that right? And who’s the other fellow with the funny name?”

“Krogerly?” I asked flatly. I didn’t see anything funny about Krogerly’s name.

“Ah, yes. It was Krogerly who made fun of Mrs. Waterman’s feet yesterday, wasn’t it? That’s what you told Mr. Santoro, am I correct?”

I nodded.

“She does have pretty big feet, doesn’t she?” Dr. Stump said.

“I think she’s beautiful,” I said.

“Oh, really? Hm. Okay.” He cleared his throat. “So, tell me about this Krogerly fellow. Unless you’d rather begin with Raymond. Are you better friends with one than the other? Do you spend as much time with Krogerly as you do Raymond? Talk to me, Hank. Don’t be shy. You can trust me. I’m sure I’m not as charming as Raymond and Krogerly, but don’t let that stop you. Tell me all about them, Hank. Tell me everything.”

And so I did. I told him everything about my two best friends.

“And then there was this time,” I began at the top of our third hour together, but Dr. Stump, whose eyebrows had begun to fold over, like two furry hands clutching the edge of a cliff, raised his palm up to stop me.

“I’ve heard enough, son,” he said.

My feelings were hurt, but I didn’t say anything. He was right. He wasn’t as charming as Raymond or Krogerly, and Krogerly wanted to tell him so, but I managed to stop him in time.

What Dr. Stump did was set up daily meetings with me. Every day, for the next two weeks, I trudged to his office and did what he asked me to do. I put round pegs into holes. I answered questions about everything I’d ever done or thought about in my life.

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