Lesbians Child Custody by Dolores J. Maggiore

Author:Dolores J. Maggiore [Maggiore, Dolores J.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781317947639
Barnesnoble:
Publisher: Taylor & Francis
Published: 2021-04-14T00:00:00+00:00

UNDERLYING EMOTIONAL ISSUES FOR THE LESBIAN MOTHER

All lesbian mothers struggling with custody situations experience key emotional issues. These issues are played out in specific ways within the family system.

ANGER

Homophobia and “Coming Out”

Despite the large and growing number of lesbian mothers, society still views the categories “lesbian” and “mother” as incongruous. Pollack (1990) speaks of this “contradiction in terms” and refers to herself as a “closet mother.” There was virtually no research on lesbian mothers through the 1970s, a fact that is beginning to be remedied in the 1980s and 1990s (Hill, 1987; Kirkpatrick, 1987; Kirkpatrick, Smith, & Roy, 1981; Stein, 1988). But societal proscriptions against homosexuality still make it difficult for a lesbian mother to be open and proud of her dual identity.

Anger is often a primary reaction of women dealing with their identities as lesbian mothers, and as such, contending with society’s general homophobic attitudes. It is helpful for lesbians to be open about their lifestyles; this engenders in them positive feelings about their lives, allows them greater access to like-minded people, and, therefore, helps prevent the depression, isolation, and alienation which closeted lesbians often feel. When a lesbian mother’s network is hostile to her lifestyle, or she remains closeted as a lesbian, the negative messages she receives are multipled; this creates additional anger, guilt, and depression for the lesbian mother. It is important for therapists, therefore, to assist a lesbian mother in finding a supportive network within which she can feel comfortable in sharing her joys and struggles. In large cities, there are support groups for lesbian mothers, many of which have activities for mothers and children. Bibliotherapy, that is, reading books written on the subject, is also strongly recommended, and there are now many good books available which describe the lesbian mother experience (see Pollack & Vaughn).

Anger is both general and specific, becoming cumulative as it mounts. In most divorce situations, there is considerable anger in both spouses. A woman who comes out as a lesbian and then divorces her husband faces the possibility of increased anger from her ex-husband, her children, and her family of origin because of her new lifestyle. One of the primary tasks in treating a lesbian mother in therapy is to help her deal with her anger and confusion about her family and her new lifestyle.

Patty was very excited about the idea of living with Margaret, but was also furious at her ex-husband for suing her for custody and turning her sons against her. In therapy, she worked on balancing her emotions and sorting out her feelings. Her anger was so central that it was negatively affecting her new relationship. She needed help in separating and handling her issues.

Coming out can be a difficult and painful process, particularly for mothers who have to deal with the effects of their lifestyle on their children. The rejection, disapproval, and general homophobic attitudes with which lesbian mothers and their children have to contend causes considerable angst and anger for both mother and children. An important

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