How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight by Chris Dolley

Author:Chris Dolley [Dolley, Chris]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: possession, humor, diets, exorcist, paranormal, diet, health, demons, spoof, ghosts
Publisher: Book View Cafe

FAQ

1. Won’t having a demon inside my body make me weigh more? I mean some of those demons are like HUGE!

Spirits don’t weigh much at all. The human spirit, or soul, has been measured at 26 grams. That’s less than an ounce! Even the REALLY big dinosaur spirits don’t weigh that much. Why? Because studies have shown that the weight of the soul is proportionate to the size of the brain, not the body. And dinosaurs have really small brains. The same goes for demons. The heaviest spirit we’ve encountered — The Ancient One from Gargantua Prime - is still less than 5 ounces. And with that demon inside you, you’ll lose more than 5 ounces in the first minute!

2. What if the demon doesn’t want to leave when its time is up?

The demon will have no choice. Exorcism is 100% successful.

(This uses the industry standard definition of 100% as in: it’s always successful, except when it’s not — and those failures are excluded from the official figures because either the correct procedures weren’t followed, there was an anomaly, or no autopsy was performed due to the medical examiner running away screaming.)

And at Crapper Clinics we only use accredited exorcists — professionals with a proven track record and up-to-date insurance.

3. Will I have blackouts when the demon takes control of my body? Or will I be awake and powerless to intervene?

Good question. Some clients prefer to black out, some like a front row seat. The important thing is to discuss this with your demon BEFOREHAND. This is why we stress the importance of choosing a COMPATIBLE spirit. Choose someone, or something, with similar likes and dislikes — someone you can get on with and won’t put you in a situation you’re uncomfortable with.

4. Will I still have free will?

See above. Some of the more powerful spirits will have the power to wrest control of your body away from you. That doesn’t mean they will. As long as you buy your Possession Plan from a reputable company like Crapper Clinics, you’ll be safe. All our demons are FDA (Federal Demon Association) approved, and they know they have to behave to stay on our list. Spirits love spending time in the physical world as much as you love having them help you lose weight. Not even a demon’s going to jeopardize that.

5. Will I have GIANT, SAGGING FOLDS OF SKIN from all that superfast weight loss?

Not at Crapper Clinics. We have a skin cream to die for. It combines the skin tautening properties of Botox with the skin-munching powers of the Antarean Megaleech. And, as if that’s not enough, all our exorcists are trained in the use of the Dyson Skin-O-Suction machine which not only removes excess skin, but can make it into a purse. Or, if there’s enough, a pair of shoes as well.

6. Can you be possessed and stay happily married?

Of course. But remember you’re inviting a stranger into your home ... and your bed. Make sure your significant other, your family, and your pets, are comfortable with that situation.

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