Catch and Release by Liana Cusmano

Author:Liana Cusmano
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Guernica Editions

21

THE HOLIDAYS ARE usually a tough period for people who are consistently sad and tired and bored, because there’s so much pressure to be happy all the time. I usually have no problem with the holidays, and I like them fine. They make me think of all the photos and videos in my parents’ basement, records of all of us together over countless Christmases — parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, eating roast and vegetables and cheese, opening presents and drinking a toast and giving hugs and kisses. I usually enjoy the holidays because there are so many of us together, having a good time. But the events leading up to Christmas day that year had left me feeling drained, and I just wanted to be left alone, to sleep. I woke up on Christmas morning feeling nervous and unrested.

Several hours into the evening — after supper and presents, but before cake and coffee — I held an overflowing garbage bag and was making my way through the house on my way to the back door. I passed the living room where my grandparents, two aunts and one uncle were competing with the television — tuned to some pseudoscience channel — in a discussion about cholesterol and heart failure. I could hear the shouts and complaints of my brother and sister and five cousins, who were playing an awful auditory combination of ping pong, foosball and billiards in our bright, cluttered basement. My mom, my dad and his brother were in the kitchen, banging pots and pans and laughing loudly. The sounds and smells, the whole happy, harmonious environment that was my house, made my chest seize up. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was overcome by a sudden wave of despair, by the acute, absurd sensation of desperately wanting to go home.

I stepped outside in my slippers and holiday sweater, shut the door behind me and stuffed the bag of trash into the garbage can a few feet away. The street was dark, the falling snow caught in columns of light thrown by the streetlamps above. Five cars stretched from my driveway out into the street, lined with piles of dirty drifts that hadn’t been cleared yet. I could still hear the noise coming from inside. My breath misted in front of me, and my fingertips were already numb. The gentle wind felt like a saw blade going through my body. As I turned around in a circle, looking all around me, I felt like I would never be happy ever again.

I turned to go back inside, slipped, and fell face-first onto the driveway. My nose and mouth filled with snow. My knees, elbows and ribs burned. I didn’t move.

That was when I realized that I couldn’t feel anything anymore. The pain and cold and wetness in and on my body felt like they were affecting somebody else. I didn’t feel angry. I didn’t feel sad. Just empty. I wanted to die. That was just a fact about me now. There was no real desire in it, no motivation.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.