Before by KE Payne

Author:KE Payne [Payne, KE]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781626396784
Publisher: Bold Strokes Books
Published: 2016-07-13T04:00:00+00:00

*

“It’s going to stain, isn’t it?” Alex said, looking down at the carpet. “Tal, I’m really sorry.”

“I’ll ask Ed to get someone in.” I followed Alex’s gaze down to the carpet. “Place could do with a spring clean anyway.”

“It’s August.”

“You know what I mean.”

We were sitting back on the sofa, Dr Pepper cans safely placed away back in the kitchen.

“You think it’ll come off?” Alex asked.

The stain. All we could talk about was the stain, like Alex was afraid to speak about “Perspectives” again in case I went off on one like I’d just done.

“Yeah, it’ll come off.”

The words I wanted to say to Alex about Nicole were just under the surface, just another breath away. Just another long, awkward silence, or another look. But I still couldn’t tell her. I knew why, though. I didn’t want Alex to feel about me how I felt about myself.

But I also did want to tell her. My mind raced.

“Nicole,” I finally blurted out. “I wrote ‘Perspectives’ with her in mind.”

“Okay.” Alex drew the word out. “Because?”

I chewed at the inside of my cheek. “Remember I told you once before I kissed a girl?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“It was Nicole,” I said. “She was my first kiss, and my only kiss with a girl.”

“Was this when you were in the band together?” Alex asked.

I nodded. “About nine months ago.”

“Did you…date?” Alex asked. “Did Robyn and Brooke know?”

“No, we never dated,” I said, “but Robyn and Brooke knew something had happened between us.” I drew in a deep breath. Time to confess. “Nicole wanted to be with me, you know? Like a couple.”

“And you?”

I shook my head. “When we kissed, it took me totally by surprise, and I did really like it at the time,” I said, “but that didn’t mean to say I wanted to be with her.”

“You didn’t fancy her?”

“It was Nicole.” I sighed. “She was my best mate,” I said, frowning. “She was my bandmate. How could I?”

“You didn’t answer my question, though,” Alex said. “Did you fancy her?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I genuinely don’t know.” I shot Alex a look. “How do you know if you’re into a girl?”

“Oh, you know.” Alex smiled. “She’ll be all you can think about. You’ll go to bed thinking about her, wake up thinking about her. Probably dream about her when you’re asleep too.” She stretched her legs out in front of her. “You’ll do anything to please her. Hang on her every word. If you ever make her laugh? You’ll be on cloud nine for hours afterwards.”

I shifted in my seat. I remembered the first time I’d made Alex laugh. I also remembered the feeling of triumph that had accompanied it, and which had stayed with me for a long time afterwards. That had never happened with Nicole. I’d certainly never thought about her all the time either. Never dreamt about her. That had to mean something, surely.

“When did you know?” I asked. “That you liked girls, I mean.”

“Laura Whitworth.” Alex chuckled. “I figured I couldn’t feel that strongly about a girl and not be gay.

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