40 Days and Nights by Iren Rinmad

Author:Iren Rinmad
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
Published: 2022-06-17T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 21

I

n the bow of the boat, I meet the sea and let it tickle my feet.

Bedazzle my open eyes.

A figurehead without fear. With no touch with reality.

An escape from one reality to another. A reality that I hope will change the one at home. The one where I awake, but caught in the dream of illusion, tread onwards on the same asphalt, the same road I’ve so very long wandered. I routinely follow those patterns I have created, so as to invent some false safety framework around my life situation and the person I believe myself to be.

Time, in a way, has ceased to exist, despite that I dutifully follow my shift’s hours.

I seek a connection within and search for something in the endless ocean all around me to focus my eyes on. Something to distract myself with.

Something that can make me feel as I once did. Without the designs I’ve created and the coal constantly needed to be scooped onto the ‘me fire’, it won’t manage to live.

It is so illusory. So dependent upon my incessant vigilance and involvement, to be able to strengthen itself.

Emptiness fills its place. A kind of vacuum filled with life.

The body is still warm, living and vibrating with life. The mind tries in vain to create a new identify, one which will match the life I currently find myself in.

If I ignore its attempts, identity will completely disappear and leave only emptiness. It can only live on with the energy from my attention.

I myself choose where to place my attention. This experienced awareness now permeates my entire body.

That previous neutral emptiness is now filled with life. Love.

I laugh. Pure joy. This is the experience of myself beyond the mental image and concept I have created and characterised to live up to.

I have witnessed the same thing since I was little. I remember as a child how I found my own places for myself, ‘Where I took a break from all the noise,’ as my parents related what I had said. What they did not know or comprehend was that it was a break from all the mental reality we were so trapped in. What neither they nor I knew then was that these moments alone were a break to myself.

I know the feeling that being stuck in the illusory world of the person will return.

I know the feeling that I ‘lose myself again’ will return.

When will it cease to come and go like all other feelings and experiences?

When will it cease permanently? When will I reach full understanding that I cannot lose that which I AM?

For the truth will be my dynamic and living experience in this form.

The person I once thought I was will become a mere memory.

My gaze is drawn to something out at sea. A finger points to the surface of the water from a dark cloud cover on the horizon.

A quiet tension.

A quiet exhalation.

The calm before the storm.

A short pause before darkness obscures the light again.

The heavy clouds leak water that ruffle the surface.

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