With or Without You by Caroline Leavitt

Author:Caroline Leavitt
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Algonquin Books
Published: 2020-08-06T16:00:00+00:00

WHEN SIMON GOT home, it was like a small shock, like she had almost forgotten he lived there. He was so handsome, it was exciting to see him. She loved his lashy eyes and his hair, especially now, crisscrossed with silver. There was an energy around him when he moved, but every time she tried to get closer to it, she felt something pushing her away.

As soon as Simon came in, Bette called out to him. “Yoo-hoo, I’m here,” she said, coming into the room. “You are!” Simon said, kissing her on the cheek while Bette beamed.

That night, Stella came out of the bathroom to find the two of them talking quietly, stopping as soon as they saw her. “What are you saying?” she asked. “Are you talking about me?”

“Honey, no,” her mother said.

“Because please don’t do that to me,” Stella said. “I’m right here.”

“And how happy we are that you are home,” Bette said.

But if her mother seemed a stranger, so did Simon. Stella felt him watching her all the time. Was he worried that she’d do something dangerous? That she’d collapse? That night she woke up to find him sitting up in bed, looking right at her. She turned over and pretended to sleep, waiting for him to fall sleep, too.

When friends came over that Thursday, crowing, “We come bearing gifts,” and showering her with lipsticks and nail polishes, with body lotions and books, they crowded around her. But Stella had trouble following their conversations. She missed questions or didn’t know the answers. “Hey, I get that way, too,” Debra said. “Don’t worry.”

Libby visited the most, but even when she took Stella’s hand, it felt to her like a medical action, as if Libby were taking her pulse. And when Libby looked Stella in the eye, Stella felt as if Libby were checking the dilation of her pupils.

“Let’s not make this a doctor visit,” Stella said, and Libby stepped back.

“Oh, how I’ve missed you,” Libby said, and Stella hugged her.

One day, Libby showed up with a puzzle. Three hundred pieces, a photo of a family and a dog. “Ages three to eight?” Stella said, glancing at the box lid, frowning, and Libby laughed.

“It’s going to help your brain, you’ll see. And I’ll do it with you,” she said. “Come on.” The two of them sat at the long wood table and Libby spilled out the pieces.

“Find the edges first,” Libby said. “Then we’ll separate it into colors.”

Stella had never really liked puzzles, but now, every time she found a piece with an edge, she felt a thrill of satisfaction. There was the puzzle, slowly growing into something that made sense.

Another day, Libby showed up with special headphones. “What’s this?” Stella said. Libby plugged them into the computer, and then clicked onto a site.

“What are you doing?”

“Binaural beats,” Libby said. “Two different frequencies of sound play into each ear. The brain makes up the difference between the two frequencies and it sort of reorders how you feel by creating new brain waves.

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