Who Dies? by Stephen Levine

Author:Stephen Levine [Levine, Stephen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-82949-8
Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Published: 2012-09-25T16:00:00+00:00

Ah! fear …

Ah! restlessness …

(passing soon, states of mind)

it’s just conditioned response

(2) Opening—letting go

not holding on

Whatever seemed so solid before

is really just a cloud passing by

* * *

It’s pretty scary to have periods when you don’t remember where you’re at, etc., even though we actually have these periods hundreds of times in one day. But when you’re bedridden you have time to notice them much more.

It’s interesting how I instinctively fight it with writing in this book or otherwise “keeping occupied.”

* * *

This constant restlessness is driving me crazy. I have sensations in the back and stomach that keep me “bothered” and make it hard to relax. Well, maybe it’s better than the dizziness I had previously.

I think my best move now is to practice

TOTAL LOVING ACCEPTANCE—

* * *

The afternoon slowly trundles along like a 3rd class Spanish passenger train. I have to accept the boredom, the apparent meaninglessness, which is actually a great teacher.

* * *

Phoned my parents. The security of the known. Well, why not? Why not treat myself to a little security after all the strange stuff I’ve been going through? It’s starting to be fun again, watching my mind try to close around ideas.

IT’S BEAUTIFUL!

TO SEE THIS THING POSITIVELY, AS AN ADVENTURE, AS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE.

* * *

I feel very enthusiastic, like an apprentice monk.

The greatest challenge is that we must go through this alone. It would be much easier with a companion.

As the sunlight gets dimmer, the end of day is apparent, and I start to feel that aloneness. It might be very helpful and comforting to find someone who can stay overnight, who could provide simple human contact, help bridge that separation that sometimes comes.

Meanwhile, I can stay aware of the tricks my mind plays as it gets fooled by one carrot after another.

* * *

Seem to be going through very strong crises about sleep and surrender. I’m confused, but I try to keep my heart open and find a way out.

I seem to be fearing being trapped. I just lie here in bed, resting my exhausted body, fighting for its ego sense, its sense of self.

What illusions! But they sure seem real!

It’s just so strange to be so afraid in the body, and yet be able to endure it with calm patience, waiting. As if “I” don’t want to panic so I let my body do it instead, and “I” just watch.

* * *

When you got your sense of humor, you got everything. Humor leads to love. So keep on laffing.

Just work with what you have at any moment. Because that’s all you’re getting. It’s all relative. What makes you think no one else is trapped? We’re all trapped. You’re just lucky enough to be reminded more often.

* * *

Time passes slowly when you’re suffering. It would be O.K. if I didn’t feel so lousy. The only way out is through and it’s hell in here. The best defense seems to be to stay still and to focus on writing. Perhaps I can forget or lose myself temporarily, that way.

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