When Parents Kidnap by GEOFFREY L. GREIF & REBECCA L. HEGAR

Author:GEOFFREY L. GREIF & REBECCA L. HEGAR
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: SOC035000
Publisher: The Free Press
Published: 1993-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

SPECIFIC ISSUES FACED BY RECOVERED CHILDREN

There are a number of realities to which a child who has been recovered has to adapt, particularly if that child was missing for a long period of time.

Changes in the Life of the Parent and Child

As the weeks and months on the run turn into years, the parent left behind is inexorably moving on with life. This may result in a new relationship and, as in Ava’s case, even a new husband and child. The searching parent’s significant new relationships necessarily influence the parent’s way of accommodating to the returning child. The new child may resent having to share the parents with the returning child. The new spouse may have difficulty establishing a relationship with the recovered child.

If a sibling is left behind, as happened in about one in eight of the families we studied, the abducted child will try to sort out the possible reasons why the sibling was not abducted. Did the sibling refuse? Was the sibling not wanted? Was the sibling unavailable at the time of the abduction? Was the sibling not the biological child of the abductor? These questions will be raised again when recovery of the abducted child necessitates reintegration into the family.

The searching parent may pour all of his or her energy into the returning child to make up for lost time and to assuage that parent’s guilt over the abduction. Thus, a whole family’s attention may be intensely focused on the returning child. Of necessity, this means a great deal of adjustment for all family members.

Simultaneously, the missing child has matured. Such changes are inevitable. Even in typical family situations parents and children struggle to adapt to the child’s new developmental stage, where old patterns of behavior are shed and new ones attempted. When the child and parent have been separated by an abduction, these normal changes can become impediments to the restoration of the parent-child relationship. Ruth, earlier in this chapter, complained that her maternal grandparents treat her as if she were six, the age when they last saw her. Upon recovery, the parent learns the child is not the same as when the abduction occurred. Some of the changes, particularly if they are perceived as negative ones, may be blamed on the abductor. If it is difficult for the recovering parent to accept the behavior that he or she associates with the abductor’s negative influence, it may be harder for that parent to accept the child.

Other adjustments also are needed. The child may have idealized the searching parent or, more likely, may have pictured the parent as an ogre. The child then has to adjust this internalized image of the parent to reality. In addition, normal routines of living have to be established upon recovery. The child may be accustomed to a set of expectations different from those established in the searching parent’s home. The child may resent the new expectations, particularly if they are more restrictive.

In some cases children may have been taught to avoid all authority figures and not to reveal anything personal when questioned.

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