What I Did Not Say by B. A. Spicer

Author:B. A. Spicer [Spicer, B. A.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2016-01-11T00:00:00+00:00

Jess

I went up to Jack’s nearly every day over the next summer holidays, and we ended up down by the river on most fine days. We talked a lot, mostly about school, but sometimes about things we wanted to do in the future like buy a sports car and drive to Scotland, or hitchhike to the English Channel and take our chances around Europe. I loved to hear Jack’s plans, which always seemed ingenious, much more exciting than my own. But what I liked most was to think of going off with him by my side, it really didn’t matter where.

On one of the last afternoons before school started back, we were sitting inside the den, sheltering from a bit of drizzle, and Jack was holding the money we’d collected. We hadn’t added to it for ages. There was almost fifty pounds. It didn’t seem like much any more and I must admit to wondering what it was actually for. Probably Jack was thinking the same thing, just playing with the change and staring at the notes.

“We could get your mum a present,” I suggested.

A bike whizzed past and then another. There was a shout. The suddenness of all this made Jack jumpy.

He gawped at me. “A present?”

“Yeah. I don’t mean a birthday present or anything like that. Just something nice. Something that she’d like.”

He fingered the notes, with his thinking face on.

“What would she like?” I asked, enjoying the feeling of being magnanimous.

“Dunno.”

“She likes reading,” I said. “We could get her some books.”

“I’ll think about it.”

There was something about the way he spoke that made me leave it. I didn’t want him getting depressed. His mum had come through lots of bad patches, only to be going through another. It was obvious, even to me, that she couldn’t go on much longer.

As if he were reading my thoughts, Jack said, “They want to take her into hospital again.”

“Oh,” I said, trying to come up with something helpful and failing.

“They want to give her what they call palliative care. It’s for when there’s nothing the doctors can do any more.” He looked at me with eyes tired of searching for alternatives.

“What do you think, Jack? Would she like that?” I was very much out of my depth.

“Of course she wouldn’t bloody like it! She wants to stay at home. But they say she won’t get the help she needs, if she does. I don’t know what to do, Jess.”

I wanted to hold him, but in the den, crouched as we were, it would have been awkward.

We walked back to the estate arm in arm. I could feel the warmth of him, and I liked the way his hip moved against mine. We were more or less the same height now so that when I looked round, his face was very close and I could smell the sticky scent of his breath. We didn’t speak much, but I was sure that he wanted me to be there and it was a wonderful feeling.

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