What Happens Now? by Sophia Money-Coutts

Author:Sophia Money-Coutts
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2019-10-07T16:00:00+00:00

The week that term started, I also told my boys that I was having a baby, then immediately regretted it because their reaction was even more confused than Miss Montague’s.

‘But how did the baby get in you, Miss Bailey?’ asked George, while they were sitting on the carpet in front of me. ‘Did you have to eat it?’

‘No, George,’ I said, trying not to laugh, ‘I did not eat my baby.’ Then I stopped and thought. Sex ed was technically not in my remit. Poor Mr Knight had to deal with that in Year 7, showing the boys a video clip that looked like it was from the 1970s. Last year, he’d come into the staffroom at break with a condom sticking to the back of his trousers because he’d taken several packets in for the boys to feel, only for them to start flicking them around the classroom like rubber bands.

So, no, technically I was not supposed to broach the facts-of-life talk. But I wasn’t sure how to properly answer George and I’ve always thought it was misleading to tell children that ‘storks’ brought babies. I was a teacher because I wanted them to learn, not be muddled by untruths.

‘Who here has a pet?’ I suddenly asked them.

Five little hands went up in front of me.

‘Achilles, what do you have?’

‘We have a snake called Boris,’ he said.

Shit. I’d forgotten Achilles had a snake. I’d been hoping for a dog or a cat. Snakes were harder. They laid eggs.

‘OK,’ I went on, ‘let’s not worry about Boris for a moment. Phineas, what do you have at home?’

‘Magic,’ he said. ‘He’s a spaniel. He’s two.’

Great, I could work with a spaniel.

‘OK, and do you remember when Magic was a puppy?’

He nodded. ‘Yes, and Mum got cross because he ate our shoes.’

‘That was naughty of him. But OK, Magic would grow in his mother’s tummy, a bit like my baby is growing in mine.’

‘And then he came out through her bottom,’ said Phineas, authoritatively. ‘There were lots of puppies that came out through her bottom and we went to see them all and I chose Magic.’

‘Mmm,’ I said, wondering how long I had left until it was 3.20. ‘Yes, that’s true, dogs have lots of puppies whereas people normally only have one baby. Or maybe two.’

‘How many babies have you got?’ said Phineas.

‘I’ve got one. And it will come out in about five months.’

‘Did you do a naked cuddle, Miss Bailey?’ piped up Oscar. ‘My mum said she had a naked cuddle with my dad and that’s how she had Molly.’ Molly was his sister.

‘Exactly,’ I said, relieved. ‘I had a naked cuddle and now I have this baby.’

‘But you’re not married so who did you do your naked cuddle with?’ went on Oscar, frowning.

I glanced behind me at the classroom clock. It was 3.04 p.m.

‘With a friend,’ I said. ‘Sometimes you can have a naked cuddle with a friend and you have a baby then too.’

Oscar turned his head and looked at George doubtfully, sitting next to him.

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