Vivian by Christina Hesselholdt

Author:Christina Hesselholdt [Christina Hesselholdt]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781910695623
Publisher: Fitzcarraldo Editions
Published: 2019-11-19T16:00:00+00:00

Viv

Wouldn’t it almost be strange if someone wasn’t secretly photographing me? The man in the house across the road maybe? On good days I think he resembles Eisenhower, whom I had a certain confidence in and could never get myself to call Ike, as people were in the habit of doing. I thought it seemed clingy, wanting to be familiar with the president, or like he was a silly little dog.

What has always been difficult is more difficult now, like a kind of rheumatism of the mind, and I am afraid to think about how it will develop when I get old. I know I ought to visit Mother. I’ve started to keep the curtains drawn, so that the man across the road can’t see my stacks, and I get changed in the bathroom. I have never seen anyone take a picture of me unless I’ve personally asked them to, yes, when I was a child and Mother did and Jeanne too. When I have asked someone to photograph me, for example Caroline, that day on the beach – then it’s because I want to see how others see me. I have the beach picture on display at the moment, and there is something strangely vulgar to my face, like I’ve tempted somebody else out into the depths on purpose. But Caroline is the closest I’ve got to having a friend, and I almost exclusively buy film from her shop now. She is the only one who understands when I say that this community is an artificial world, a pinprick of grace and dignity. But I can breathe easier in the resentment and the filth that this pin is affixed to.

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