The Vixen Diaries by Karrine Steffans

Author:Karrine Steffans [STEFFANS, KARRINE]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: BIO026000
ISBN: 9780446402477
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2007-09-24T14:00:00+00:00

Chapter Fourteen

Say Good Night

It never ceases to amaze me how some people can’t seem to get over my past—the partying, the relationships, the sex, the thoughtlessly self-imposed nickname “Superhead.” If I have been able to move forward, then why are so many people still stuck on my past, as if my life were theirs? It’s not as if I were the only one living that lifestyle—lots of women are still doing that. The inevitable truth about life, especially life in our twenties, is that we are bound to change and change again. It seems that any number of people want me to be ashamed of who I am and what I have done. They’d rather see me fail so they can point and say, “You see? I told you she was no good!” They want me to feel like a leper, as though somehow I should be punished for what I’ve done.

It’s all very reminiscent of a scene out of the film Scarface, when Al Pacino explodes in a crowded dining room, saying, “You’re all assholes. You know why? ’Cause none of you got the guts to be what you want to be. You need people like me so you can point your fingers and say, ‘Hey! There’s the bad guy!’ ”

Don’t get me wrong; it’s not as if I would ever compare myself to a fictional gangster—I’ll leave that to the rappers. What I am saying is that even in fiction we find truth, meaning, and relevance. This is a feeling so many of us have. I have heard the same emotions expressed by diverse parts of our society: from convicts looking for a new start to young, single mothers and high school dropouts. So many of us make bad decisions—poor choices that create a stigma—and we sometimes spend the rest of our lives trying to undo them. Confessions of a Video Vixen was a portrait of who I was: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I cannot write the same book again, because I am already evolving into a different person. I can only give you who I am now, and as I grow, so will my writing and my understanding of life.

Though Confessions was undoubtedly a memoir, I am now removed from that world and the woman it describes. I am no longer that young woman, wild and crazy, not thinking of her future or that of her child. In fact, my ex-boyfriend-turned-best-friend-and-confidant, Bill Maher, would often laugh and say how the rest of the world would be amazed to know how traditional I really am, how I am a fan of monogamy and relationships, how I cater to the man in my life, and how I take care of my household before anything else. Once, during the exhausting Confessions book tour, I canceled several important dates to join him on his tour. In fact, if I had it my way, I would work a lot less and spend more time with my son and with Bill, the man with whom I hope to spend the rest of my life.

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