The View from the Vue by Karp Larry

Author:Karp, Larry [Karp, Larry]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Koi no Otosan Books
Published: 2013-11-21T00:00:00+00:00

11

A Receptacle for All Purposes

Of the seven body orifices that communicate with the outside world, only the mouth was designed to be used as an intake port. But man is nothing if not inventive, and he continues to try all possibilities. I’ve never heard of a dog or a cat that needed a Coke bottle extracted from its rectum; however, as described in a previous chapter, such operations have been performed in many hospital emergency rooms where humans are treated.

Since patients at Bellevue generally did run a bit to the bizarre, the foreign objects encountered in Bellevue orifices also were about as peculiar as one might imagine. Bellevue physicians were called upon to remove a fascinating assortment of material that had been lost in the different body openings. Every day we removed Q-tips from ears, wadded paper from nostrils, and a truly amazing variety of objects from rectums. Many of these were started on their travels up the wrong end of the intestinal tract as silly or drunken jokes. Others came to rest up there as the result of accidents during the sexual activities of homosexuals. Medical literature catalogs a large number of review papers which describe the odd things that the authors and/or their friends have removed from various rectums. The items range from bottles through bananas, hot dogs, knives, rubber hoses, and electric light bulbs. At least one of these bulbs was documented to still be functional upon its recovery. This was described with such pride that I wondered whether the author had offered his prize for display at the Smithsonian Institution. What a great ad that would have made for G.E. or Sylvania.

In most instances, the Bellevue Admitting Office doctors took care of these problems. However, there was one orifice which they never dared explore: the vagina.

Let a woman appear with a nasal, aural, or even a rectal bezoar, and she was promptly emptied and sent on her way. But let her even intimate that the offending substance had been secreted in her vagina, and with whitened countenance and quavering tones, the Admitting Office physician would cry, “Get her up to the gynecologist.”

I have never been able to figure it out. Otherwise competent and considerate doctors invariably seemed to feel that it was necessary to awaken a certified womb-snatcher simply to effect removal of an object from a woman’s vagina. You’d think they could at least have tried, but they never did. You may form your own conclusions regarding the matter. As an oft-awakened gynecology resident, I definitely had my own.

The majority of these referred cases were straightforward. For example, some of the patients were little girls. Large numbers of prepubertal females seem to regard the vagina as a first-class repository for appropriately shaped toys. Crayons, dolls’ arms, chalk, and cotton balls all fit very nicely into a mini-crotch. What’s more, the items are never discovered until they cause enough irritation to produce a discharge or some bleeding, at which time the mother brings the child in for evaluation.

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