The Thackery T Lambshead Pocket Guide To Eccentric & Discredited Diseases by The Thackery T Lambshead Pocket Guide to Eccentric & Discredited Diseases

Author:The Thackery T Lambshead Pocket Guide to Eccentric & Discredited Diseases
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781447276425
Published: 2014-06-04T20:00:00+00:00

REVERSE PINOCCHIO SYNDROME12

Rhinolalia Illuminata

Country of Origin

Italy

First Known Case

Don Camillo Guareschi, La Spezia, 1978

Symptoms

This illness affects only people whose profession or happiness depends on sustained and conscious mendacity: priests, politicians, parents of unspeakably ugly babies, etc. (1)

Stage One: One nostril dilates and expands alarmingly, while the other decreases in size to such an extent that it soon disappears completely, being replaced first by a modest indentation, then a more ambitious tunnel, and finally a supremely arrogant black void with an unpleasantly greenish glow around the edges, similar to the solar corona during a total eclipse. At this point, the other nostril becomes smaller again, while, at the same time, a constant stream of mucus passes from it into its companion, as if being sucked into it. Simultaneously, the owners of these noses undergo an amazing transformation: they cease to tell lies. They become, in fact, quite unable to do so. Even under controlled torture, when they are told that they only have to say that two and two is five for the torture to stop, they will scream out that two and two is four.

Stage Two (the Ouroboros Gulp): After about 30 days, the nostril that has been losing mucus disappears into its companion, and almost immediately the upper lip curls up into oblivion, followed by the four upper incisors. An ominous sucking sound is also heard from inside the skull, presumably the frontal lobe making its exit. At this point, the victim is finished.

History

On June 27, 1978, halfway through a sermon, Don Camillo Guareschi, a much-respected Protestant priest in La Spezia, suddenly remarked that there was more truth and beauty in a choirgirl’s budding breasts than in the whole of Holy Scripture. In hospital later (his wife was twice his size), he forcefully informed the nurse that he wished to “insert my woefully underused member into your deliciously rotund rump.” In addition to this and other frank comments, it was observed that his nose had been undergoing a profound transformation, and that his left nostril in particular was shrinking at such a rate that within a few hours his cheeks were able to admire each other’s glow for the first time ever.

The hospital’s ear, nose, and throat specialist quickly related cause to effect. “Every time he tells the truth, his nose becomes shorter,” he declared woodenly. It was, as it transpired, the other way round.

The first clue as to what was really happening, and why, was provided by the famed Welsh astronomer, Pulcheria Raskolnikov Dzhugashvili, who happened to be in hospital for a severe case of nystagmus caused by prolonged study of pulsars and Italian traffic accidents. She noticed that the void that had formerly been Don Camillo’s left nostril was emitting vast quantities of x-rays. She asked about Don Camillo’s personal hygiene, was sick, and then delivered her verdict.

It is a well-known fact that lies only breed more lies. A time comes in the life even of professional liars when more lies are bred than can be uttered without fear of exposure or ridicule.

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