The Price: My Rise and Fall As Natalia, New York's #1 Escort by McLennan Natalie

Author:McLennan, Natalie [McLennan, Natalie]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
ISBN: 9781597775946
Publisher: Phoenix Books, Inc.
Published: 2008-09-30T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER NINE

THE JASON SHOW

I was dreaming. My ex, Paul, and I were in the shower. I could feel the water. I could feel the warmth of Paul’s body, but I couldn’t see anything, and I wasn’t breathing. Then I tasted water. It was going up my nose. I felt myself being pulled out of the shower, into the tiny bathroom, and I heard screaming…my own and Paul’s voice.

“Stay with me, stay with me,” over and over again.

I started taking deep breaths in and out, trying to do what Paul was telling me to do. I looked around and saw my bedroom, the loft. I was awake. I had just relived one of my many overdoses. One of the numerous times Paul saved my life before I left him.

Everyone has nightmares, but these were different. They were more like flashbacks. These felt real, like I was reliving my overdoses over and over again in my sleep. It was actually worse than the actual event. One of the things about an overdose, the ones you survive, is they usually have a profound effect on the people who witness them, but usually have little or no effect on the person who actually takes the drugs. Even though the drug users are the ones most in need of a wake-up call because they’ve lost consciousness, they wake up as though nothing happened and go right back to whatever they were doing.

It was like those dreams had a purpose. Like my subconscious was reaching out trying to remind me of just how dangerous I could be to my own well-being.

I felt myself changing. My ego would like to argue that I was evolving, but that’s not what was happening. Evolution implies some type of progress and, while there were aspects of my life (notably the financial) that were so much better than before when I was with Paul, I was surely regressing in my connection to myself and who I was as a human being. I was lying more and more to my mother and ignoring the advice of well-meaning people like Taylor and Cheryl who were reaching out to me and trying to get me to look at how I was living. I wasn’t auditioning for any acting roles. I was doing more drugs than ever. The trauma of what I went through with Paul left me so wounded I was eager for a new identity and a new life. Now I was telling the normal world to fuck off and was being lavishly rewarded and praised for it. But it was turning me into a ruthless little girl who didn’t care about anything but having fun, making money and getting really, really high.

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