The Paying Guests by Sarah Waters

Author:Sarah Waters
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: virago press
Published: 2014-08-25T16:00:00+00:00

10

The words were so unlike any of the ones that Frances had been expecting to hear that for a moment she could hardly make sense of them. Outside, the day had darkened. She was aware of rain, in a sudden shower, producing a sound like rapid drumming on the flat lead scullery roof below her window. As the shower eased, and the drumming slowed, she put a hand across her eyes.

Lilian said, ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘How sure are you?’

‘I’m sure, Frances. It’s nearly a month over its time.’

‘You couldn’t simply be late?’

‘I’m never late. You know I’m not. And I feel… different.’

‘Different, how?’

‘I don’t know. Tired. Just different.’

Frances lowered her hand and gazed into Lilian’s face. She did look different, she realised. She had looked different ever since she had returned from her holiday; perhaps even since before that. She was changed, in some indefinable physical way…

‘Oh, God. I can’t believe it!’

‘I’m so sorry,’ said Lilian again.

‘When did it happen? How did it happen? I’ve always supposed that you and Leonard —’ She had never wanted to know the details. ‘I’ve always imagined that you have some way of – of —’

‘We do. We did. But there was a night – He forgot to be careful.’

‘Careful?’

‘You know what I mean. He always… comes out before he’s finished, and I finish him off. We’ve always done it like that, and it’s always worked, more or less. But this time he stayed inside me. He said it was an accident. I don’t know if it was or not. But I knew. I knew that night. That I had caught, I mean. That it had taken. I just knew.’

‘Why on earth didn’t you tell me?’

Lilian looked utterly miserable. ‘I wanted to be sure. I didn’t want to worry you for nothing. I’ve been hoping it would fix itself. It’s done that sometimes, in the past. And then, a part of me didn’t want to think about it at all… Are you angry with me?’

Frances covered her eyes again. ‘I’m not angry. I can’t think how I feel.’

‘I’ve been worried to death.’

‘I just wish I’d known.’

‘It doesn’t make you want to take back all those things you said?’

‘Take them back? Of course it doesn’t. But what’s the use of them now?’ She was working it out as she spoke. The disappointment of it was dreadful. ‘It’s no good our planning anything, is it? This keeps you stuck with him for ever.’

‘What? No, don’t say that.’

‘Well, doesn’t it?’

‘No!’ Lilian pushed herself up and caught hold of Frances’s arm. ‘It doesn’t change anything about you and me. Don’t think that. That’s not why I’m telling you. It just makes things more difficult for us.’

‘Difficult? That’s putting it mildly! You think we can manage, with a child? You think he’ll let us? He’ll have the law on his side. He’ll have everything on his side!’

‘But I don’t want to have Len’s baby. I don’t want any baby at all. If it won’t sort itself out, then – then I’ll sort it out myself.

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