The Murder of Rachel by Wanda Moran

Author:Wanda Moran
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781843585930
Publisher: John Blake Publishing
Published: 2011-04-22T16:00:00+00:00

I feel very uneasy today and want nothing other than to stay close to the house on my own. The trial begins in four weeks exactly and I am very afraid. I know the time will fly by now and I just want it to stand still. I sit in the garden bringing my diary up to date on a gloriously hot day – quite unlike mid-September. I do the very minimum amount of work in the house, prepare the simplest of meals and just iron one shirt at a time for John. How lazy I am becoming these days and how little can I be bothered with anything. Where has the livewire I once was disappeared to? I cannot imagine myself ever getting back on track. I feel that, if I could just sit and write and write all my thoughts down on paper, the pain would abate with each word.

I know that I must visit my GP again very soon, as my boss has called requesting that I submit a sick note for the first time. I see no way such a request would be denied but I feel unable to visit the surgery and face him. I have nothing to fear but fear itself, I tell myself.

One phone call today – it is the police and fills me with dread needlessly. One of our liaison team has heard about Father Gerard’s accident and has just called to voice his concern. Nothing more than that. He tells me he is busy finalising the details for the start of the trial and asks me if I require security screens while I am giving evidence. I think not but know that I will need some support when the time comes. I am praying, above all, that I say the right thing and don’t let Rachel down in any way. I owe it to her to do my very best. Perhaps at the end of the day I am more worried about giving evidence than I am willing to admit.

Tomorrow I will go to Vanda’s house, where we are due a visit from our hairdresser. I feel ragged and dishevelled at present so maybe that will buck me up a bit. Despite my protestations to the contrary, I am now becoming obsessed with the desire to visit the clairvoyant before the trial starts. I need someone to tell me that things will be OK, that there is light at the end of the tunnel for us all, but my common sense tells me I am behaving irrationally, two-faced, even. Things are what we make them, not what anyone else tells us, and I must get a grip on myself.

I want nothing more now than to go to sleep and to wake up when all of this is over. I never realised before that I was such a coward, but, in my present thinking, I know that I am. Despite my renewed closeness and understanding with Ray, I don’t feel able to divulge these terrifying thoughts to him.

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