The Madwoman and the Roomba by Sandra Tsing Loh

Author:Sandra Tsing Loh
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company
Published: 2020-04-24T00:00:00+00:00

Grade? We are improving! B+! (Probably because the teacher sensed I wrote them, but we’ll take it!) UC Merced wait list, here we come!

“Summer”

A “June” of One’s Own

Let’s Commence

CHARLIE, THE GIRLS, and I are driving north up the coast, to Carmel Grove, for my nephew Sam’s high school graduation.

We talk about how high school graduation will be different from any of the girls’ previous ones, as in fact will their (fingers crossed) college graduations. Where there is a guest “commencement speaker.”

“Like who?” Hannah asks.

“Like me!” I say. “I actually had to give a commencement speech once.”

“No!” says Hannah.

Charlie says, “That’s right, your mother did.”

“It was at this little college in Orange County. From public radio, I was famous enough to be invited, but not famous enough that the graduates knew me.”

“Henh?” Hannah asks.

“Let’s put it this way. When you google ‘Best Commencement Speeches,’ which I did, all these web nerds will eagerly tell you that the best commencement speeches ever were made by Bono and Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs’s speech described his fascination with Japanese calligraphy and how that led to Apple products’ beautiful design. Bono’s tasked an entire graduating class with making sure there’s always clean drinking water in Africa. I think. I didn’t finish it. I was too depressed.”

“I don’t get it,” Hannah says.

“The point is, when you’re a cultural rock star, you can say anything. Dare to dream! Dare to be different! Dare to dare! Sincerely, Oprah Winfrey. Regular people have to work harder. I literally tried googling ‘How to Write a Commencement Speech for Regular People.’ ”

“My brother should google something like that,” Charlie muses. “He’s best man at a wedding next month. Those toasts can go wrong quickly. Suddenly the best man is drunkenly reminiscing about doing shots together in college and all the skanky girls the groom dated back in the day! Room goes dark—”

“ ‘How to Write a Best Man Speech.’ ” Hannah has googled it on her phone. “Top search: ‘How to Write a Best Man Speech When You Can’t Stand the Bride.’ Answer: ‘Hire a comedian from our staff to ghostwrite it for you, it’s that impossible.’ So what do you write, mom?”

“Well, I said advice we give now will soon become obsolete, and then I kind of went the ‘wear sunscreen’ route. It was only eight minutes long. Essentially, I told the story of my own graduation in 1983. Our commencement speaker was novelist James Michener. The title of his speech was ‘Your Revolution.’ ”

“What was your revolution?” Hannah asks.

“Something to do with space. Michener had just written a book about it. His hope was that our generation would pioneer manned space exploration to Mars and beyond.”

“With the possible exception of Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar,” Charlie says, “our generation has not done that.”

“Right,” I say. “I guess that makes us the Not So Great Generation. Fifty years since Neil Armstrong, we harness the computing power that once launched rockets in our cell phones. And use it to Yelp the nearest Cheesecake Factory.

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