The Edge of Forever by Saman J

Author:Saman, J.
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2019-03-19T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter Seventeen

I stare at the painting hanging on his wall, transfixed by it. The way he said that, yes, you are, so cavalier, fills me with an onslaught of emotions that have been dormant for a very long time. Ten years in fact. I made this for him. Well, I made it with him in mind. It was right after he left that second time and I poured my heartbreak out onto the canvas.

It was one of the first pieces I ever sold because I couldn’t stand the sight of it and I couldn’t stand to throw it out or burn it. I sold it to a very interested art dealer who sold it to a gallery in New York and I never paid attention to what happened to it after that. I didn’t follow the sale of it. I didn’t want to know. In my mind, it was as gone to me as Wes was.

And now here it is, staring me in the face, living in the home of the man who is in every agonized brushstroke.

“How did you get this, Wes?” My tone dripping with accusation.

I take it in, following each line of color. It’s almost odd to me how I used to paint. My style now is…well, I wouldn’t necessarily say different, but more mature certainly. Less aggressive. More controlled. I lift the twelve by twelve square up from the hook it’s hanging by and flip it around. I didn’t write on the front of this one the way I used to. I wrote on the back of it.

It felt too intimate to write the words on the front. My pain was secret and not for public consumption, so I hid it. I’ve been doing that more and more if I write anything on them at all. I discovered I enjoy having people extrapolate their own interpretation of my art. To draw their own personal meaning from something I created. But I wrote on this one. I prop the canvas against the wall and reverently run my fingers across the lines of my pen strokes.

It was my moment of letting go. Of giving in. Of forcing my brain to accept what my heart already knew. “You are in my soul with every piece of my existence.” I haven’t cried over what happened that day in a very long time. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. It was the defining moment of my life for so many reasons. It turned me into a closed-off, slow-to-trust and emotionally unavailable person for a very long time.

In fact, Drew was the first man I allowed myself to really give in to and he hurt me. I hate irony. It was not as bad as what happened after Wes. I didn’t bleed the same way. Maybe it was maturation or maybe I was too desensitized by the time Drew came around, but Wes shattered me that second time. I knew he was leaving. He told me so. He didn’t hide anything, and he certainly didn’t try to fuck me and run.

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