The Day I Turned Uncool by Dan Zevin

Author:Dan Zevin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Villard

10%: Friends Lost to Procreation

As I further contemplated what happened to my old bosom buddies, it became clear that widespread reproductive activity has forced many of them underground. Generally speaking, the only times I see my friends who’ve had kids is when I appear at their homesteads bearing pizza. Megan and I did this most recently last Sunday to get reacquainted with our old friends Ben and Erin, currently appearing as BenandErinandEliandSammy.

When we arrived, Eli was airborne, having launched himself off the coffee table and around Ben’s neck. He then yelled “HI-YA!” while pummeling Daddy about the head and shoulders. He then released his choke hold, resumed his stance on the coffee table, and struck again. And again. And .

Conducting a conversation was a little challenging, but I just took my cues from Ben, who was trying to act nonchalant as his offspring attempted to assassinate him. Occasionally, between gasps for air, he’d even try to move the conversation along by following up on something I said earlier. “So, what color are those window treatments again?” he’d say.

Meanwhile, Megan was in the kitchen catching up with ErinandSammy.

Megan: “So, now that we’re partnering with another company, I had to ask my assistant to revise the budget report to allot the marketing money we’ll need to support the project.”

Erin: “You and your brother are going straight to bed unless you take those pepperonis off your eyes now. ”

Don’t misunderstand. I am very fond of BenandErinandEliandSammy. I am very worried about adding them to the list of friends I’ve lost by dint of procreation. And that’s why the next time I visit them, I will be bearing something even more thoughtful than pizza. I will be bearing a baby-sitter.

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