The Child I Long For by Caroline Finnerty

Author:Caroline Finnerty [Finnerty, Caroline]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Boldwood Books
Published: 2024-09-27T00:00:00+00:00

25

THREE MONTHS LATER

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Dear Rob,

I’ve started this email so many times over the last few months but never know quite what to say or how to explain myself so I’ve just decided to throw it all down here and see what comes out, so please understand if it doesn’t sound right. Firstly, I hope you’re doing okay. I wanted to let you know that I’m sorry for leaving without saying goodbye and that it has taken me this long to get in touch. The truth is that I’m only able to send this now; I just wasn’t up to it before. I hope you haven’t been worried about me but I felt it was the only way. I know Mum and Karen were probably up the walls but I’ve sent them a message too, trying to explain everything and to let them know that I’m all right.

I’ve gone to New Zealand but I won’t tell you exactly whereabouts I am because I need space and time to heal so please don’t try to find me here. I wanted to get as far away as possible and I guess this is literally the furthest place I could go. I wanted to go somewhere nobody knew me. It feels like I’m at the very bottom edge of the world here, like I could walk off the underside of the globe. I don’t know how long I’ll stay for yet but I like it here. The countryside is quite like Ireland: lots of green, lots of rain – I never thought I’d find the rain comforting but when I feel the cool droplets on my skin, it reminds me of home.

When I first arrived here, I was a mess – I still have my bad days and I’ve a long way to go, but slowly, over the last few weeks, it’s as though a chink of light is opening up again and life doesn’t seem as hopeless as it did a while ago. With some time and space to think, I’ve come to realise that you were right; I was completely selfish in my grief. I know you were hurting too but I couldn’t deal with your pain on top of my own or it would have drowned me and pulled us both under. I’m sorry I lashed out at you like that; I’ll never forgive myself for slapping you. I let my anger cloud everything but I just couldn’t see a way out. Every time I looked at you, it was like looking in a mirror; I could see my pain reflected in your eyes and it hurt too much. I’ll always regret not supporting you through it and being a better wife. I’m sorry we’ve ended up like this; I’m sad about what became of us. We had so many good times together, didn’t we? Never in a million years could I have imagined our life would go down the path it did. I thought we could take on anything

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