The Big Bitch by John Patrick Lang

Author:John Patrick Lang
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: money laundering, bank fraud, berkeley, portland, barfly
Publisher: Coffeetown Press
Published: 2015-07-02T04:00:00+00:00

Chapter Twenty-Seven

After the Latino and the Samoan delivered me back to my motel, I slept for ten hours, and awoke a full twenty-four hours late for my meeting with Dumpy Doyle. If you have watched much in the way of feature films, network, or cable television in the past fifteen years you’ve seen Dumpy. With a stature barely more than four feet four inches high, the squeaky voice of an eleven-year-old girl, freckles, and carrot-colored hair, he almost always plays either a demented or sociopathic heavy. A film reviewer once called him “the little person’s Peter Lorre.” Although I hadn’t seen him in three or four years, Dumpy Doyle has been my best friend since I was five.

“You’re a day late, asshole,” Dumpy said when he answered his phone. “Today is Tuesday on my calendar.”

“I got abducted by an international arms dealer and flown to the Caribbean. Then I spent the afternoon fucking this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old Latina.”

“Fuck, Doc,” Dumpy said, “if you’re going to lie, put some imagination into it.”

“So when can we meet?”

“We can’t now. Just got a call and I’m packing. Need to fly out this afternoon for New York. I’m about to call a cab.”

“Don’t call a cab. I’ll give you a ride. I want to see you and I need to ask you about someone. Do you know an actress named Muriel Lichtman?”

Dumpy laughed. “Muriel? Oh, yeah!” Then he gave me directions to his condo in Beverly Hills.

I followed his directions and my MapQuest to an address on Doheny. Dr. Dumpy was waiting at the curb, and as I pulled up, he waved goodbye to a very pretty and very small woman hanging out a second story window. I bent over to hug him and then I helped him put his two suitcases in the trunk.

“Looking good, Doc. How you doing? Like, last time I saw you, you looked like the Ghost of Christmas Past.”

“I almost was the Ghost of Christmas Past. That’s not Michelle?” I asked as I pulled away from the curb and followed Dumpy’s directions.

“That’s Donna. My trophy dwarf,” he said.

“Still a sentimental and romantic fool, Dump,” I said. “She’s gorgeous, but what happened to Michelle?”

“I got tired of her bitching and threw her ass out of the house. Locked the door. By the way, she was buck naked at the time. Police came. Bottom line: ninety days of anger management and no more Michelle. By the way, didn’t you and Canned Ice get a divorce? May I ask what was the reason?”

“Take your pick.”

“Take your pick?”

“One day I came home, and this is when it’s just raining shit in my life. I’m out on bond, everything is going to hell, and here is Candice, or as you call her, Canned Ice, with two suitcases in her hand, telling me she is divorcing me. So I ask if is it the coke, the booze, the other women, the fact that we are bankrupt, the fact that our house is in foreclosure, or the fact that I just got indicted by a federal grand jury.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.