Still Life by Jeff Sutherland

Author:Jeff Sutherland
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: The Sutherland House Inc.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

At Fourteen Weeks

THIS WEEK I TURN FIFTY. Naturally, I compare my life at forty to my life at fifty. People’s lives can vary greatly in this decade, of course, through divorce, illness, and work changes but my life at fifty is almost unrecognizable. Obviously, the fitness and strength that I had always treasured are gone. I am on life support with a feeding tube in my stomach and a breathing tube in my neck. My professional life is over, from the hands-on work of delivering babies and working in emergency rooms to the teaching of medical residents to my administrative responsibilities. My marriage has changed, with Darlene turning into a caregiver. And we have unexpectedly lost Zach and Kaya. It seems to me an inconceivable amount of change, and it is difficult for me, even though I have adapted to my circumstances, not to dwell on the losses. It occurs to me that I had never really taken the time to grieve my own disease. I was always too busy trying to make the lives of my family as normal as possible, enjoying our boys and their accomplishments while ignoring the elephant in the room, the fact that I had joined the severely disabled club and was on artificial life support.

It takes a letter from Darlene to remind me that I need to acknowledge the things I’ve lost and make peace with their disappearance from my life and rely upon the many things that remain to help me through the times when the losses seem overwhelming. From what I still have, she says, I will find meaning in my life.

I have been trying. In recent weeks, we sent Ben, his girlfriend Savannah, Nathaniel, and Erica to the Dominican Republic to lighten their moods and hopefully fan the embers of happiness in their hearts. We also thought that Nathaniel and Erica might need help facing airports and travel again after their last trip home. We knew that if they traveled with Ben and Savannah this first step would be easier. I’ve been reading a lot in the meantime, searching for comfort. I’m drawn to Neil Peart’s lyrics in the Rush song “BU2B2,” which I remember hearing with Zach and Nathaniel during the band’s Clockwork Angels tour. Peart himself had experienced unfathomable loss, his daughter passing away in a car accident and his wife passing away of cancer less than a year later.

I was brought up to believe

Belief has failed me now

The bright glow of optimism

Abandoned me somehow

Belief has failed me now

Life goes from bad to worse

No philosophy consoles me

In a clockwork universe

Life goes from bad to worse

I still choose to live

Find a measure of love and laughter

And another measure to give

I still choose to live

And give, even while I grieve

Though the balance tilts against me

I was brought up to believe

I read Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. There is great wisdom in its pages and I make a record of the quotes I find particularly meaningful:

A man with a why can survive any how.

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