Sick by Porochista Khakpour

Author:Porochista Khakpour
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2018-06-05T04:00:00+00:00

He had a class early that next morning but wrote to me just minutes before going in, Yes, it has occurred to me too and I thought to ask you as well—I have to teach now but I promise more soon—JP.

And there was more soon. So much more.

* * *

When Dr. E, the infectious disease doctor, asks me about my history that very first time, I admit to the fact that I remember the years in terms of relationships, that I count the men on my hands like they were truly parts of my body, all in the end that I was made up of: the Alexander era, the Ryan era, the Jacob era. Every phase of my health seemed to have had a partner attached to it, I admitted. Were you ever alone during those times? he asks me, and I tell him there were those bad periods when I was with my parents, when I’d moved back home, but generally I was in the company of boyfriends. What did your boyfriend at the time think? he asks more than once when I mention a particularly bad spell. They serve as echoes of my memory, as witnesses, as invisible testimony. The complete ignorance of the body on the part of Cameron, all the times Alexander insisted I was fine, the constant caretaking of Ryan, the varying degrees of concern from Jacob, who maybe saw the worst of it.

In my head I was always terribly alone, alone in the harsh shell of the body whose states were impossible to translate to others, but for most of it, there was someone around. Someone who held the teacups, who brought the thermometer, who pulled the blanket over me, who drove me to the doctor’s, who held my hand for the needle at the phlebotomist. They were always there, those lovers of mine, guardians of sorts in each their own way, who allowed me to think—on some level—that they would be the way out. Just like changes of location, my boyfriends would be how I could untangle from my own hopeless interiority. Outside of me there were all sorts of possibility; it was the inside that was the problem.

* * *

Jacob felt like the most Adult relationship of my life, and it was through him that I felt I had the greatest sense of hope. I was renewed as a visiting assistant professor for the 2009–2010 school year at Bucknell, but it was perfect for us: my new boyfriend Jacob and I could build ourselves a real life.

We decided to move in together in the fall, even though I’d taken on another sublet in case. Jacob wanted me to move everything over into his new place, a big spacious modern house in the best part of town, so we could “practice,” Jacob said to me, always with a certain look. I knew what he meant. He was very taken with the idea of us being together forever and he often told me if we weren’t engaged by the next New Year, he’d be shocked.

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