Showgirls, Teen Wolves, and Astro Zombies by Michael Adams

Author:Michael Adams
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2010-03-09T16:00:00+00:00

PLAYBORES

And when the Al Adamson biopic is made, two of the Playboy bunnies in this segment might find themselves up for the role of Regina Carrol. The other two have already had films made about them.

Dorothy Stratten, the former Dairy Queen from Vancouver turned 1980 Playboy Playmate of the Year, took the lead in just one film, sci-fi spoof Galaxina, before she was murdered at age twenty by her estranged husband, Paul Snider, because of his jealousy about her affair with director Peter Bogdanovich. The story’s well known, but Galaxina director William Sachs, who we last met talking about The Incredible Melting Man, fills in a few chilling details. “She used to come in crying most mornings,” he tells me via e-mail of the great girl who was being put under enormous pressure by the controlling Snider. “When he came to the set I would always have him kicked him off because she used to freeze up. He also used to walk across the soundstage floor with his cowboy boots that went ‘ching’ ‘ching’ on the concrete. It wasn’t possible to get a good vibe from Paul. He had cold eyes that stared through you. He always had his back to the wall and hardly spoke. Eric Roberts in Star 80 was not at all like him. It was his deathly silence that made him so creepy.”

Galaxina, as played by Stratten, is a robot servant aboard the Infinity, a spaceship under the control of Captain Cornelius Butt that’s on traffic patrol in the year 3008. When the crew is sent on a twenty-seven-year cryosleep mission, Galaxina reprograms herself as a talking, feeling, sensual woman, much to Sergeant Thor’s delight. But before they can get it on, she has to go to a Wild West planet and defeat a Darth Vader–style bad guy to get the Blue Star.

Sure, it’s a Star Trek/Alien/Star Wars spoof that a fifteen-year-old with a bucket bong might dream up, but it’s also goofily ambitious for a flick made for just $350,000. As for Stratten, she looks great but her performance is pretty stilted, not surprising given the circumstances and the robot role.

Supposedly a comic book adaptation, 1996’s Barb Wire is actually a remake/rip-off of Casablanca… starring Pamela Anderson. It’s 2017, after the Second Civil War, and we’re in Steel Harbor, a free city in a United States now run by Third Reich–dressed fascists, the Congressionals. Pam is Barb Wire, an apolitical babe who runs a club and who moonlights as a bounty hunter. Against her better judgment, she gets caught up in a plot about hi-tech retinal lenses that facilitate entry to the “Free Territories” of Canada.

Burly New Zealander Temuera Morrison takes on the Ingrid Bergman role to Pam’s Humphrey Bogart. Just thinking those words makes me feel dizzy. How the production got away without crediting the original is anyone’s guess. What’s no mystery is who this film was aimed at—and that is fans of Pamela Anderson’s boobs in what is literally a “bust-out” performance. That said, she’s more fun than Angelina Jolie was in Tomb Raider 2 and this is enjoyable crud.

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