Seth MacFarlane's A Million Ways to Die in the West by Seth MacFarlane

Author:Seth MacFarlane [MacFarlane, Seth]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780553391671
Amazon: 0553391674
Publisher: Ballantine Books
Published: 2014-03-04T04:00:00+00:00

The sun beat down on them with ruthless oppression as they rode toward Albert’s farm.

Albert stared down at the pinkish burned skin on his arms and thought, What a terrible thing it is to be outdoors. If you covered yourself, you baked in the heat. If you uncovered yourself, you fried in the sun. It didn’t seem to bother Anna, however.

Nothing ever seemed to bother Anna.

Albert regarded his new friend with a fresh curiosity. Who was this unflappable, nerveless woman who possessed a wisdom far beyond her years and could shoot like Wyatt Earp? He had developed a quick, comfortable bond with her over the last few days—enough to share all the private details of his fragile emotional state—but, in reality, he knew very little about her … and he had the distinct sense that there was more to tell than he had been privy to.

As they approached the farm, the sheep began to baa excitedly. As usual, they were everywhere but inside the corral. One was even sitting on the front porch as if it owned the place and was waiting for somebody to serve it a mint julep. Albert sighed and ignored the problem for the moment. As Anna had requested, he went inside the barn and fetched an armload of rusty tin cans.

She gave him a reassuring wink and arranged them equidistant from one another along the top of the fence. She handed the pistol to Albert. “Okay, go ahead.”

He grimaced. “I don’t know what you’re expecting, but I’m—”

“I’m not expecting anything, I’m just observing. Go ahead. Don’t be nervous, there’s nobody watching but me.”

Albert reluctantly raised the pistol and closed one eye, aiming it as best he knew how. He emptied every bullet in the chamber but did not hit a single can. Even the fence itself was undamaged.

Ten reloads and ten more attempts did not change a thing. Finally he slumped to the ground in despair. “This is never gonna work,” he groaned.

“Yes, it is. Will you just trust me? It’ll work, and Louise is gonna come running back to you.”

Albert turned to her and stared. Never in his life had he met such an enigma. “Hey,” he said, “why are you being so nice to me?”

She laughed. “What’s wrong with being nice?”

“Nothing, nothing, but, I mean, you show up outta nowhere, you’re this complete anomaly in my world of terribleness out here—Anna, you must have a million better things to do.”

“What, I can’t make a new friend? When I met you, you looked like you could use one.” Her expression was almost coy. She really is quite beautiful, Albert observed. But he still wanted answers.

“Look, I just—I really don’t know anything about you,” he said.

“I promise I’m not a crazy psycho chick.” She smiled.

“No, that’s not what I mean.”

“Can I ask you something about you?”

“Sure.”

“Why do you love Louise?”

An interesting thing happened then. Albert suddenly realized that the past two minutes were the very first since the breakup that Louise had not been in his thoughts.

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