Saint X by Alexis Schaitkin

Author:Alexis Schaitkin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Celadon Books

I remembered that day. Alison was close with “Stacy”—the party was Tracy Donofrio’s. Our whole class must have been invited, otherwise I never would have been included. I remembered picking pepperoni off of greasy arcade pizza. I remembered that there was a My Little Pony cake with a buttercream flower border, and I wanted to get a flower on my slice, but other girls begged for them while I just silently hoped for one with all my might, so I didn’t get one. What I remembered most vividly, though, was how excited I was as I sat in that ball pit, because soon, any minute now, my big sister would arrive and all of my classmates would see that she had come to pick me up, that she was mine. Could anything be better? But she had already been there, she had been watching me, and she had pitied me.

There was more. As I made my way through Alison’s tapes, I discovered that there were many entries about me, more than there were about our parents, or Drew, or her friends. My sister had watched me. Analyzed me. Puzzled over me much as I was puzzling over her now, like I was a riddle to be solved and like maybe in solving me she would crack open some truth about herself.

There was this moment at the swim club today that totally killed me. Claire’s going into second grade in the fall, which means she’s officially old enough to go in the deep end of the pool. So the big thing for the kids her age is to jump off the diving board. Not the high dive or anything, and not dive, just jump off the low one, a few feet. Today was ridiculously hot, and we all went to the club together. All of Clairey’s little peers are jumping off the diving board, and she’s just watching them while she licks a Popsicle next to my mom. Then when my dad left to do his laps, my mom asks her, very calmly and low-pressure, if she wants to give it a try. Clairey nods uncertainly, and they go over together. My mom goes in the water so she’s ready to catch her. When it’s Clairey’s turn, she steps up onto the board and walks really slowly to the end. I’m watching from my lounge chair. We wait and we wait and we wait. My heart was pounding out of my chest. My mom says, “Come on, sweetheart. You can do it!” Then some ten-year-old asshole waiting on line starts chanting that Jeopardy song and the rest of the kids join in. Fuckers. Finally, Claire looks at my mom and shakes her head, and my mom tells her if she doesn’t want to go she should get down. My mom got out of the water and Claire sort of fell into her arms. But right before that, I saw it happen. It was a tiny flash, so quick I’ve never, ever

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