Raw Blue by Kirsty Eagar

Raw Blue by Kirsty Eagar

Author:Kirsty Eagar [Eagar, Kirsty]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Juvenile Nonfiction, Family, General, Social Issues, Bullying, Juvenile Fiction, Love & Romance
ISBN: 9781742286402
Google: 3PCy7Mr9FKEC
Amazon: 1846471559
Publisher: Catnip Publishing Ltd
Published: 2009-06-28T23:00:00+00:00


20

Sex

Eight a.m. and the morning is fresh. There is a little nip to the air, a reminder that colder times are coming: wetsuits, blue lips, bloodless feet.

I’m going down there. I don’t know how I feel about seeing him, exactly, but it’s eight so I’m already late. I swing the bathroom door open and shut a few times, trying to suck some of the steam out of the room before I plug my hairdryer in and dry my hair off. In my bedroom I hunt through the mess on the floor for a pair of clean undies and a bra. Then I pull on my jeans, my lime green Stussy shirt and a white hoodie jumper. I catch sight of myself in the mirror, stop what I’m doing and peer closer, thinking: God, when did that happen? My eyes have changed colour. They’re blue, and they used to be green, I swear it. The skin underneath them is sun stained, far darker than my cheeks, because I always wear sunscreen but don’t like putting it near my eyes. I look like I’m sick with a tropical disease. And I’m thinner. I drink my food now: smoothies, fruit juices, soft drinks and too much coffee. Solid food has become repulsive to me since I started working in that kitchen.

I sit down on my unmade bed. What will I be going down there for? Is it because I’m bored with being alone? I’m not scared of being alone, that’s different. I’m bored with it, sick to the teeth of it, but not afraid of it. I’m afraid of being with someone. Because the moment they touch my breasts just so, weighing them in the palm of their hands, I’m ripped back through time. Would you look at that?

I tried to have sex when I was at uni. Just once. He was friends with my flatmate, Matt the pothead, and he seemed so knowing, so sure of himself, I was certain he’d be able to unlock me. Make me like it, make me want it. On the night it happened, Karen, Matt, him and me went to the pub. He and I stayed after the others had gone home, just long enough for him to rest his hand on my thigh so I knew what was on offer. Then we stumbled home after them.

But when it came down to it, when we were in my bedroom and he was lying on top of me, I couldn’t stand it. I pushed him off, told him I didn’t want to. The worst thing was he stayed anyway, just went to sleep on my bed. And I was sure it was because he didn’t want Matt to know he hadn’t gotten lucky. He snored away and I lay there burning up, hating him and, most of all, hating myself.

That’s what I’m afraid of. Sex.



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