Pride and Prejudice and Vampires by PJ Jones

Author:PJ Jones
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Jane Austen, vampires, twilight, paranormal romance, parody
Publisher: Shifting Sands Publishing
Published: 2016-05-09T00:00:00+00:00

Bonus Reads!

Dear Readers,

Thanks for reading Pride and Prejudice and Vampires. Now I hope you enjoy a selection of bonus short stories, since the original story was so short and I don’t want you getting pissed off and writing my book bad reviews. Although after reading the previous garbage, you will most likely write bad reviews, anyway.

THE LADIES’ GUIDE TO IMMORTAL SEX

Congratulations! You’ve found an immortal or magical creature who wants to have sex with you.

If you are about to engage in sex with a demon, angel or vampire, I can easily assume that you have firm breasts and long, lean legs. No need to cover your belly flap with a corset or conceal your small, floppy breasts with a push-up bra. According to most paranormal romances, only sexy mortals can engage in sexual intercourse with these creatures, so I’m sure your appearance is just fine.

If you are about to have sex with a werewolf, zombie or ogre, no need to dim the lights or wash out the scent of old fish tacos from your underwear. These lesser fairytale creatures really don’t care how you smell or look as long as you don’t mind putting up with their venereal diseases or rotting penises.

Below is a helpful guide to having sex with immortal creatures. Best of luck!

And remember to have fun and try not to die.

VAMPIRES

Sparkly Vampires: Do not engage in intercourse with sparkly vampires.

Sparkling is not sexy and your libido will deflate faster than Kim Kardashian’s breasts in head-on collision. If the vampire insists on sparkling, find another bloodsucking, pasty-faced undead creature to have sex with.

Even though, technically, vamps have been solidified from the inside out and no longer have bodily fluids, somehow, they are still able to get enough blood flowing into their penises to form hard-ons. Though authors of vampire romance novels don’t always explain how this is done, do not be surprised if your vampire cannot attain a full erection.

Do not allow a vampire to drink from your jugular during intercourse. Not only is this painful, but it is also harmful, resulting in serious injury and even death. Though this act of sadistic foreplay is usually consummated in erotic vampire romance novels, it is unrealistic to believe that you will survive such an encounter with a vampire.

For lesbian vampire lovers, a word of caution about oral sex— whenever fangs are involved, it usually is not pleasurable. If you are stupid enough to engage in oral sex with a lesbian vampire, you will not be able to find a maxi-pad super absorbent enough to stop the blood loss from her razor sharp incisors. You will most likely find yourself in an emergency room, turned into a vampire, or dead by night’s end. If your lesbian vampire refuses to file down her teeth, it is advisable to stick to finger foreplay and sex toys.

WEREWOLVES

First and foremost, before engaging in intercourse, demand to see proof of updated parvo and rabies vaccinations as werewolves tend to spread these diseases.

Because werewolves usually lose

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