Mistress of My Fate by Hallie Rubenhold

Author:Hallie Rubenhold [RUBENHOLD, HALLIE]
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Tags: Historical
ISBN: 9781455511808
Publisher: Grand Central Pub
Published: 2011-06-01T00:00:00+00:00

My tears had begun to flow long before I had read the final sentence. Gracious heavens! I thought I might fall dead at that very instant, for my beloved’s letter had delivered to me what I believed to be my mortal blow. Never could I have imagined that such injury might be inflicted by a mere sheet of folded writing paper. It entered my soul with the sharp force of a stiletto and I dropped upon the floor as if I had breathed my last.

No, I did not collapse into a faint like the heroine of some romantic tale. Those who have known true anguish understand that shock and pain course through the human body like currents of electricity. There is nothing genteel to behold about suffering. It is not done upon a couch. The victim does not lie angelically in a swoon. Instead, the limbs convulse and curl in pulses of agony. The body writhes and sobs uncontrollably. The nose streams, the eyes swell, air can hardly be drawn into the lungs. The moans and wails are incapable of being stifled.

Shall we leave this scene of distress? It does me no good to dwell here.

Over the years, I have put many remembrances out of my head. Beyond the sentiments relayed to me in his letter and its immediate and painful effect, I can recall very little. All is a blank. I kept to that bedchamber for most of the day and dismissed the gentle knocking of the maids who enquired after me. I was ill and wished to be left alone.

I must own that, for a short time, I prayed for death, much as I had before when I first learned we were to be separated. I called up to Fate, and begged he would take me as swiftly as he had Lady Catherine.

One of us three must die! “It should have been me!” I cried.

What poxy, foolish thoughts these were, but nevertheless, I savoured them a good while before they floated away.

It was the incessant discomfort of my churning stomach that eventually roused me from my black musings. It reminded me that I would not be ending one life, but two. I placed my hand over my belly and wept some more at the thought of what lay inside it.

Within me swam a most miraculous creation: Allenham and my form blended as one, swirling together, eternally joined as a single being. Oh, the sweet calm this knowledge bestowed upon me, though how sad indeed that he should not know of it! I would keep this child, this product of its parents’ purest love, as close to me as I could. A rush of determination passed through me, that I should bring Allenham’s child into the world and try with all my might to ensure that it grew and thrived. I stroked the spot where I believed the homunculus might lie. I was, dear readers, a good deal frightened; I was frightened and delighted all at once, and so dreadfully lonely.

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