Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder by Blaise Aguirre

Author:Blaise Aguirre
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781608825677
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
Published: 2015-11-08T16:00:00+00:00

Do What the Situation Calls For

As we discussed in chapter 1, people with BPD often get caught up in being “right” instead of effective, which can be very destructive in relationships and can result in sacrificing your self-respect to prove a point. The final concept of how you practice mindfulness is to learn to do what the situation in front of you calls for, or be aware of when you are choosing not to. Marsha Linehan (1993) calls this “effectiveness.” This skill goes hand in hand with the other mindfulness skills, because the task is to learn to step back and assess your reaction or response to a situation, and be aware of your own thoughts, feelings, and judgments. We are asking you to step back from the idea of being right, and think more about what works when you respond to a situation and what would have the most long-term benefits. It is here that our emotions around being right can cloud our judgment, and in those situations, you and your relationships can suffer. Remember, thoughts such as I deserve or that things should or shouldn’t be a certain way can be helpful indicators that you are getting stuck in being right and are not doing what the situation calls for.

There are many daily activities that will challenge you to use this skill. Imagine going out to dinner to a Chinese restaurant with a group of friends whom you are just getting to know. Very quickly you realize that everyone at the table can use chopsticks with ease. You feel embarrassed that you can’t do so, and begin thinking that you “should” be able to eat like everyone else and that they will judge you for using a fork. You try to manage chopsticks, but realize that you will not be able to eat dinner that way. Doing what the situation calls for is using your fork despite your feelings about being different from your friends.

Driving is another wonderful opportunity to practice this skill. Have you ever been pulled over by a police officer for speeding when you were sure that other cars around you were going the same speed or faster? This happens all of the time, because only one person can get pulled over at a time. You may have the urge to argue with the officer about this fact, and you may be correct in your assessment. However, if you begin to argue, you will likely make your situation worse, and by expressing anger at the officer you could end up with a worse consequence. Although you may be right, accepting the consequence is what the situation calls for.

For people with BPD, this skill can be vital in learning to maintain relationships and not suffer with intolerable anger and behaviors that go against your personal values. So often, the chronic sense of being wronged by others makes it nearly impossible to forgive others’ small indiscretions or mistakes, and as a result, people with BPD experience painful feelings of anger, rage, resentment, and hopelessness.

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