Madeleine by Kate McCann

Author:Kate McCann [McCann, Kate]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Biography & Autobiography, Nonfiction
ISBN: 9781446437605
Publisher: Transworld
Published: 2011-05-11T23:00:00+00:00

No idea at all how it works. Seems ridiculous, but then no more than some of the psychic stuff we’ve already acted on and given time to.

We have got nothing to lose and have said that we will ‘leave no stone unturned’...

In spite of the cynical tone of my diary entry, we were actually both quite excited about the prospect of Danie’s work, though I think this was probably due more to the fact that something was happening which might take the investigation forward than to absolute faith in his methods. It might come to nothing, we knew that, but anything was better than the sense of stagnation we felt was beginning to seep in.

We still had plenty to do, whether it was coming up with campaign ideas to complement the investigation or trying to reply to the thousands of letters and emails we continued to receive. And emerging from those gruelling early weeks, we were able to devote more time to Sean and Amelie. We’d been so destroyed, so consumed by our pain and fear, that we felt our role as their parents had been compromised. We had all been robbed of so much, including the twins. Not only had they had their big sister snatched from them but we had been absent, physically and psychologically.

In mid-July I found Amelie standing in our room, looking at a photo of Madeleine in a frame by my bedside. ‘I miss my sister,’ she said, quite clearly. ‘Where has my sister gone?’ I was caught completely unawares. I realized I’d underestimated both her grasp of the situation and the scope of her vocabulary.

Maternal guilt often weighed heavily on my shoulders. The twins needed our love. They needed us. The capacity to love is limitless, I was often told, but I was so engulfed by Madeleine that I worried I might not have enough love left over for Sean and Amelie. Something else to beat myself up about. And not only did they need us, we needed them. Their love and laughter was the best medicine we could have asked for and we’ll be eternally grateful for that, and for them.

Wednesday 18 July. The start of a downward spiral for me. When I look back on our meeting with Neves and Encarnação that day I recognize it as a turning point: the beginning of what was to blow up into a whole new nightmare.

On the plus side, it could be said that we covered a lot of ground. But it was all incredibly deflating and some of it was downright stomach-churning. Once again the police shared details about Murat; once again they bemoaned the absence of hard evidence. My frustration with their lack of progress, combined with what they were actually telling us about him, whipped up a storm of fury in me that was completely out of character. It seems to me now as if for several months I was possessed by some demonic alien that infiltrated my thoughts and filled me with anger and hatred.

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