Long After (Sometimes Never) by McIntyre Cheryl

Author:McIntyre, Cheryl [McIntyre, Cheryl]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Cheryl McIntyre
Published: 2013-10-12T22:00:00+00:00

27

Smile Like You Mean It

Annie

Eleven Months Before

Every day I send Loden’s calls to voicemail. My mailbox filled within the first few days, so he switched to texts. All his texts are the same. He’s sorry. He misses me. He doesn’t understand why I haven’t called.

Hope’s home and I tried to talk to her about everything that’s been going on, but the more I searched for the words, the more they eluded me. I’m ashamed and confused. I don’t know how to admit how badly my life has been when she’s so happy.

On Christmas, I broke down and called Loden. I listened to his promises and apologies. I returned them with an equal lack of sincerity. Then mom picked up on my mood. She made me hot chocolate and we sat on the couch, staring at the lights on the tree.

I asked her what was different about Alec—what made their relationship work when her others had failed. It was probably a shitty question and way too deep to get into on Christmas, but she didn’t seem to mind. Her answer was short and sweet and made me want to cry.

“I think I was afraid of being alone, so I settled.”

“But you didn’t settle for Alec?”

She laughed. “No. After it didn’t work out with Nolan, I decided to take a break. I had jumped from one relationship to the next, and it wasn’t fair to you girls. It wasn’t fair to me. So I stopped looking for the next Mr. Right, and he found me instead.”

I had been trying so hard not to be like my mom, and ironically, I was making the exact same mistakes she had.

Now days later, I look at my face in the mirror and I hate what I see. I hate the girl staring back at me. I hate what she’s become. She’s weak and stupid. She’s nothing but a hollow casing.

I laugh bitterly. So many big plans. So many years trying to be better, reaching for perfection, following a set path. All the time wasted. Everything I thought I was working so hard to achieve—I realize how pointless it all was now. What do I have to show for it? Nothing.

Nothing but fading bruises.

Though I know there were times I’ve been happy, I can’t remember ever just being content. I’ve always wanted bigger, better, more. So many people search for permanent happiness, but they don’t realize it doesn’t exist. There will always—always—be some issue, some problem, some person causing upset. I would give anything to just feel content for once.

I come to the realization on New Year’s Eve that this will never happen for me unless I make changes. So while my friends and family are blowing party blowers and chanting the countdown, somewhere between eight and five, I make the decision to implement the first step.

After we’ve all been thoroughly hugged, I pull Chase into the kitchen.

“What’s up?” he asks, unsure.

I’m not sure how to word this. I’m having a hard time understanding all the jumbled thoughts running through my head.

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