Little Cruelties by Liz Nugent

Author:Liz Nugent
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Gallery/Scout Press
Published: 2020-11-10T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 24

2010

I was doing okay in 2010 up until that funeral. I had been taking my meds and going to my psych appointments. I still partied a bit and drank too much, but it was a bottle of wine a night instead of a bottle of vodka. My life was not settled, but it was less chaotic. I’m not sure how I spent my days. I slept a lot. I would go through phases of manic musical interest and other phases of complete apathy for any life or activity.

Brian rang me regularly enough to remind me of things like Mum’s birthday, Daisy’s Junior Cert exams, any gig offers, etc. A documentary maker wanted me to take part in a “where are they now?” TV special about people who had once been famous but had since disappeared into obscurity. I didn’t want to do it, but Brian insisted he could get a good offer out of them. I knew they only wanted to make a fool of me and that all the tabloid stuff would be dragged up again. I argued with him a bit, but he wasn’t listening and said he’d try and negotiate a higher fee. Before he rang off, he casually mentioned that he was going to a funeral the next morning, for his friend Cillian Gogan’s dad.

My blood ran cold at the mention of his name. “Does Mum know he’s dead?”

“I don’t know yet. I was about to ring her.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll call around. I’ll tell her.”

“Yeah? Be subtle, will you? I think her and Dad used to be really close to the Gogans back when Dad was alive. Don’t get pissed.”

“I won’t.”

“Tell her I’ll pick her up at nine thirty for the funeral.”

“It’s okay, I’ll take her.”

“Sorry?”

“I’ll take her to the funeral. I’m not a total imbecile, Brian, I can drive my mother to a church.”

“But why do you want to go?”

“I need to be there for Mum.”

I sensed the hesitation. He was going to argue but decided not to. “Okay then. See you in the morning. Sober, right?”

“Yes.”

After I hung up, I had a glass of wine and got dressed in my usual hoodie, jeans, and baseball cap. My beard and hair were long, and I knew Mum didn’t approve of this look, but it wouldn’t matter today. Because today I was going to tell her that her rapist was dead, and she would be happy.

I rarely saw Mum on my own. I knew she was uncomfortable around me. She didn’t trust my outbursts, my unpredictable mood swings. I knew I was a huge disappointment to her. She had been right about me all along. But I knew her secrets. She hadn’t told anyone else about that rape, and I knew it must still affect her. I knew I had to be the one to tell her about Jack’s death. I was the only one who could comfort her. We didn’t like each other much, but because of the circumstances, I felt sorry for her, and maybe this could help her soften toward me.

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