Life of the Party: Stories of a Perpetual Man-Child by Bert Kreischer

Author:Bert Kreischer [Kreischer, Bert]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 9781250030313
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Published: 2014-05-27T00:00:00+00:00

8.

A Honeymoon You Can’t Refuse

My wife was pregnant when we got married. We hadn’t planned on it, but upon hearing the news we were both elated. We were in our thirties and well past the time where something like that was truly an accident. I knew LeeAnn was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and now she had to. We found out she was pregnant the day after we moved in together—the same day, coincidentally, that I had convinced her to take a Xanax and down a pitcher of margaritas with me while we painted the living room.

We told the doctor on our first prenatal visit and she smiled at us. “As long as that’s not a lifestyle type of thing your baby is going to be fine.”

For who? was my first thought. That was exactly my lifestyle at the time. But my wife, who rarely drinks and hasn’t taken a Xanax since, heard that as a mandate, and thankfully so. What I heard was that I had a designated driver. We told our friends that night, she told the girls, and I told the boys who responded by handing me a glass of absinthe.

I took no part in planning our wedding, not because I didn’t care, but because I am suspicious of any man that does. Weddings are a woman’s dream, honeymoons are a man’s. She wanted to get married in her hometown so we were getting married in her hometown, which was so small and so Southern that question four of our marriage license application was, “Are you blood relatives?”

The only time I did step in on planning was when my wife asked me whether we wanted to dance or to drink at the wedding.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“We can’t have both because in my hometown they believe that the two together lead to sin.”

“What is this, Footloose?”

“We gotta pick one.”

My answer came quickly. “I pick booze, ’cause I’m dying to see them stop me from dancing.”

Like I said, my focus was the honeymoon and considering I was already partying for three, I paid great attention to the planning. I didn’t want to fly—I knew a flight would cause more anxiety than necessary, on one of the most anxious days of my life. Our wedding was in her hometown of Bowdon, Georgia, which meant our options were even more limited.

There was also the fact that I was close to broke. LeeAnn didn’t quite know it yet—that was information I’d share after our commitment ceremony—but all the TV money I had been gifted as a youth was running close to dry. I scoured the Internet looking for honeymoon options and came up with nothing. But my concerns were lifted at the eleventh hour when my dad called.

“Buddy, I got the place for your honeymoon.”

He had been talking about my honeymoon situation with a friend, and this friend said he had just been to the most amazing, quaint resort. It had blown his mind. We could get a discounted rate, he added.

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