Inside the O'Briens by Lisa Genova

Author:Lisa Genova
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Gallery Books
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 17

Outside Katie’s bedroom window, the day is flat, colorless, grim, a perfect reflection of her mood. She checks the calendar on her phone. Today is September 30. Katie could’ve gone to her second genetic counselor appointment two months ago, but she blew it off. Eric Clarkson just called. His voice mail was gently casual, as if coaxing a shy child hiding behind her mother’s leg, reminding her that he’s still there and available to talk if she’s still wrestling with the idea of genetic testing. He didn’t need to call. She thinks about Eric Clarkson probably more than she thinks about Felix, which isn’t good for many reasons. She knows he’s there and how to get in touch with him. She deletes the message.

She’s avoiding pretty much everyone right now—Eric Clarkson and her second appointment, her dad, JJ and Colleen, Meghan, the other yoga instructors, even Felix. She’s been going to three yoga classes a day, but she’s all business about it, getting in and out with as little eye contact and chitchat with the other yogis as possible. Her body is wicked kickass strong from all the exercise, but her mind has been completely disconnected from her practice. Her mind is junk.

She has no self-discipline, no control over her thoughts. They’re like big, hyper, untrained dogs chasing foxes into a dark forest, and she’s holding on to their leashes, tethered to their reckless decisions, being dragged everywhere they go. Meditation should take care of this. It should rein in the wild dogs. Heel. Sit. Be the fuck still. Good dogs. But she can’t seem to stay focused.

Alone in her bedroom, she sits on her meditation pillow and reads the strange, beautiful graffiti on her walls. She’s scrawled many more inspirational quotes in black Sharpie on the walls from floor to ceiling over the summer, hoping her exterior world would seep into her consciousness and perk things up in there. Her mom isn’t too pleased that she’s been marking up the walls, but Katie can’t see the harm in it. She’s never been crafty and doesn’t want to waste money she doesn’t have on buying posters or painted boards. A two-dollar Sharpie and her walls are all she needs. They can easily paint over everything if she ever moves. When she moves. When. Someday.

She reads the three quotes directly in front of her.

“The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is.”

—Eckhart Tolle

“Life is a near-death experience. Stumble around in giddy gratitude while you still can.”

—Jen Sincero

“What we think, we become.”

—Buddha

She thinks about HD. All the time. Constantly. The creepy, dark forest is teeming with it. HD. HD. HD. She’s a skipping vinyl record, and she wishes someone would smack her.

“What we think, we become.”

—Buddha

She’s becoming HD. This self-sabotaging, obsessive habit has to stop.

She settles into a comfortable cross-legged seat on her pillow and closes her eyes. She begins Ujjayi breathing, creating an ocean wave rhythm through her nose, in and out, in and out.

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